Taiwan part 2- Self Identity

This week's post is a little late... I've been busy and tired and let's just face it, happier. Which is good for me but bad for my blog.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This trip I took was exactly what I needed in a lot of different ways. It gave me a chance to get away from all the things that were stressing me out and be able to figure out what was really going on.

It's funny how we don't realize that we're going through something until we get out of it. It's like, you don't know how lost you are until you figure out where it is you were actually trying to go because now you have some point of reference. 

What I'm trying to say is, I didn't realize these past months what I was really struggling with was my own self-identity. Like I was discovering all these new things about myself and trying to let go of the negative self-images but somewhere in the process I think I lost sight of who I was. 

I don't think I had really changed, it was just the way I viewed myself that was different and I gave myself permission to be my true self more. But seeing myself differently still made me doubt myself and I just felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. 

And this is only a theory, but because I didn't have a secure sense of self and a lot of things that used to give my life meaning were now gone (ex-boyfriend, my dog who's with my ex, what was I doing with my life?) it caused me to worry over all the little things because I had no big picture to focus on. 

So how did I start to "find myself" again in Taiwan? 

It started with family. I've always been a little sad that I didn't get to grow up with my relatives around. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen them. 

But the last couple of times I've gone back, even though they're almost strangers, I just know that they're related to me. I'd see a lot of of the qualities that they had in myself as well. Or like the things that my parents did that would drive me crazy just made so much more sense because my other relatives were all the same way and I found that I was like them too. 

And then there were things about Taiwan that I identified with. Like the food, the language, the vespas, the street smells, the markets, the housing, the way we took baths with water in a bucket, and even the squat toilets. 

It was more than just "wanting to experience life" in a "foreign" country. These were things that were a part of my childhood. These things were a part of me and made me Taiwanese. 

I personally have a lot of pride in being Taiwanese even though I was born and raised in America. And not every Taiwanese or Taiwanese American person necessarily feels the same way about these things. Some might even look down at these things (especially the squat toilets). 

And yes, even though I knew it was stupid, using those squat toilets gave me a sense of pride. 

But while I was thinking about how these things made me who I was, I also came to understand how certain groups of people feel so strongly about protecting the things that give them their sense of identity. Especially after how much anxiety and stress I was going through when I didn't feel like I had my identity to hold on to. 

I'm definitely not saying I agree at all with these groups of people or how they behave, but I can definitely empathize. How they must feel like the world they identify with and the things that they stand for are being attacked or taken away... I'll admit I do get a little defensive about the toilets. 

But in the end I have to remember... it's just a toilet.

And hopefully I have other things that give me pride and I can define myself with. Like my family, or friends, or what I am able to give back to others.