Confessions of a happy person

This coming Monday is the 12-week mark of my new baby son, Kai! They call the first 12 weeks the 4th trimester because it’s the transition period for the baby to adjust to being outside the mom’s womb as well as the recovery and adjustment as a mom of a new baby.  We’ve been really blessed during these COVID times as Brian and I have been working from home since mid-March and are getting so much extra bonding time as a family. It's been interesting because having a baby is a big life change in and of itself however, nowadays life seems different for everyone.  Overall, Brian and I are enjoying being new parents and we’re really lucky because Kai is as well behaved as a baby could be. He sleeps at night, rarely fusses and is easily content. I can also see in ways how Brian and I have both grown as individuals and in our relationship so I feel truly blessed.  So I wanted to share my birth story and postpartum depression/anxiety experience (which I’ve been told every mom goe...

It’s been 1 year now since I finished my PhD. After taking a month off, I started a postdoctoral fellow position in Seattle. According to Wikipedia, "In the US, a postdoctoral scholar is an individual holding a doctoral degree who is engaged in mentored research or scholarly training for the purpose of acquiring the professional skills needed to pursue a career path of his or her choosing.” In other words, a postdoc is another training period before starting a “real” job. I like to explain it as being similar to what residency is for medical students. So how has it been one year out of my PhD? I think overall I’ve been fighting a lot of feelings of disillusionment with my career choice/research for a few reasons: Failure- We deal with so much failure in science and research. As humans we’ve come a long way since caveman days but there is an infinite amount that we just don’t know about the universe. Despite our best efforts, 90% of drugs that even make it to the clini...

It's been two weeks since I officially left my old lab and one week since I've been in Washington. In two more weeks I'll be starting my new post-doctoral position (meaning more research). People have been asking me if I'm excited about graduating and starting my new job.... I think I'm mostly just focusing on relaxing and recover from feeling burnt out as much as I can. No one can ever truly warn you about what adult-hood or graduate school is like, so I think these feelings are just a part of that. I can't really explain what it is I'm feeling, it's just that when I'm done with one thing, I'm on to the next thing on my never-ending checklist called life. I take breaks/vacations and I try to enjoy and stay in the moments, but you just know in the back of your mind that you have something big coming up soon that you have to plan for (new job, getting married, kids, etc). Even during this month off, I have to write a small proposal for w...

You know that ticking bomb I talked about? Well it blew up on Monday. There was some miscommunication (always) and next thing I know, I'm crying and screaming. And I know this fight is my fault and it's over nothing. Even when I know it's coming, I just can't seem to stop it.  It's like the forecast is saying there's going to be a hurricane and all I can do is take shelter and wait for it to pass. Only this hurricane wrecks my heart, body and soul. Then I'm left with picking up the pieces and I have to just keep going on with my life. And hope that there'll be sun coming soon after.

I've been feeling extra irritable as of late. Between trying to graduate by the end of May, looking for a job, planning the wedding, getting ready to move to Seattle AND looking to buy a house... I know these are all great things and for the most part I am really happy and excited. But it is A LOT of change. And I don't necessary  feel stressed but it always ends up manifesting itself when I'm not expecting it and then I'm wondering why I'm so upset over nothing. So lately, the evil twin has been irritable at the fiance. He's familiar with my tendencies (not that it makes it any easier) and I've been good enough to catch myself and apologize before I go down that spiral...  But I don't feel any better and it feels like it's just a bomb that's waiting to go off. Usually when I'm tired and can't keep it in check. I don't know which is worse, feeling mad or sad all the time ---- UPDATE: Of course, not long after I ...

Education/career ✅ Graduate high school ✅  Graduate college Choose one or combination: ✅ Spend years w ondering what to do with your life ✅ Question w hy am I putting myself through this much stress ✅ T his is not how I imagined my career to be Graduate school ✅  Find a lab to join ✅  Pass preliminary exam ✅  Graduate school slump/depression/anxiety ✅  Pass advancement  ✅  Defend thesis Planning a wedding ✅ Make guest list ✅  Book venue/ceremony sites ✅  Pick bridal party ✅  Choose a theme ✅  Meltdown/panic attack ✅  Pick wedding colors Settling down ✅  Go on first date ✅  Become exclusive (boyfriend/girlfriend) ✅  Show them how crazy you are Next, only pick one ✅  Scare them away ✅  Get engaged/married

I've forgotten how much blogging helps me let go of my negative thoughts. After my last post, the things I had been feeling anxious about got better without me even thinking about it.  With that, I wrote this post a couple weeks after Trump was elected president but I never posted it. After the events at  Charlottesville  this past weekend, I think a lot of anxieties have been brought up again so I thought it was a relevant post.  ------------------------------------------ Like many others, the election last week triggered a strong emotional response in me ranging from disbelief to anger to heartache and depression.  I worry about what a Trump presidency means for scientific progress and my career.  I worry about what it means for civil and women's rights.  I worry about what it means for international relations and if we're on the brink of a nuclear world war (or a civil one).  But despite all that.... I still have fait...

In one more month, it'll have been two years since I started this blog. I keep apologizing for not posting as frequently, so I'm not going to make any more false promises! (I think the last time I posted I said I would post at least once a month). In any case, I still like having this blog and I still think it's important that we have discussions about mental healthiness. I honestly believe that most people will go through a period of depression at one point or another in their life-time. And I think it's those rough times that will help us understand when someone else is going through something similar. I definitely notice more and more people talking about their mental issues which I think just confirms that these are things that everyone struggles with. I also think it's important that I be a part of this conversation because I'm sure people look at me and wouldn't think that I struggle with anxiety and depression. But despite that, I still thin...

I've written posts about what I call my "funks"  (depression just sounds too serious for me) before but just to summarize, these are periods of days where I have very low motivation, overthink just about everything, and generally have pretty low self-esteem... along with the physical symptoms of stress too . One way I'll know I'm in a funk is that I'll often feel like I'm on the verge of crying. I used to have them quite frequently but now not as much. But I'll still have one now and then and it'll catch me off guard. They still suck just as much  but I've learned to manage them so that at least they don't get in the way of my life. Over the past year, I've picked up a list of things I do to manage the funks: 1. The number one most helpful thing in managing my negative thoughts is my planner.  It helps me remember and organize the million-and-one things I need to do so I don't feel so overwhelmed. It also helps me stay focused...

When I get a text/call from my boss and I automatically assume I'm in trouble. When I'm feeling super motivated to work but as soon as I get data I don't like, it's game over. When I need him to tell me I'm the prettiest/smartest/funniest girl he's ever liked.  When I already packed lunch but I'm feeling soo lazy I'd rather just buy.  When I weigh myself and think the scale must be broken. 

I have this evil twin.  She tells me things like, People are only nice to you because you're "pretty"... They don't really understand you... He's not going to care about you in the future... And she tells me that I need to protect myself. That you can't trust them because they're only going to hurt you.... Except being alone hurts too.

That joke was kind of mean.  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If I bring this up, I'm going to make him feel bad.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK  He's going to think I'm trying to change him .  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK We don't have similar senses of humor. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK That's another thing we don't have in common. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If we don't have anything in common, this relationship isn't going to last. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's not going to like me anymore.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's going to break up with me.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I'm going to have another failed relationship. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I...

Family (for their safety and happiness) Strength (to have faith that it'll be alright) Patience (for myself and the journey) Peace (to live without judgement, anger, or fear) I pray for Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace....

I had the strangest experience with an anxiety attack today. I was working on my National Institute of Health (NIH) fellowship application (F31) that I was finishing today (it's due tomorrow but it's like college apps where everyone is turning it in and the website will crash). It's basically this government scholarship that funds your tuition and stipend for 2-3 years until you finish.  There's a ton of documents that you have to prepare that cover everything from what kind of equipment and facilities you have access to, to what kind of training you will receive (classes, giving presentations, mentorship), to a 6-page proposal with your preliminary data.  Anyway, I've been working on it for about two weeks, almost non-stop, and I was still working on it all day today. These past two weeks actually weren't that bad. Don't get me wrong, it was A LOT of work but I wasn't too stressed about it. I would just slowly chip away at it and at...

Things happen = Content Things happen + it's great this happened = Happy Things happen + why didn't this happen = Sad/angry Things happen + I need to make this happen = Anxiety Things happen + it's my fault this happened = Depression

This morning I realized I left my laptop charger in the conference room after our weekly lab meeting yesterday. I went to my professor's office and he had just came in to work when I asked him if he could open the room so I could retrieve my charger, which he did for me. Halfway back to the lab, I realized I didn't even say good morning and the first thing I did was to ask him for something and he hadn't even gotten into his office yet and he probably feels taken for granted all the time, and omg I'm terrible... so I immediately turned around to go back and apologize/say good morning but then stopped, re-thought it, and realized how awkward that would be. After a deep breath I had to reassure myself, he's probably not even thinking anything about it, I need to just let it go , I'll say good morning next time... and turned back around. The struggle is so sad, that it's funny.

About a month ago, I wrote about how we could all work on being "mentally healthier." The problem with this is a lot of times we don't see how we're being "mentally unhealthy." We definitely see it in other people though, and then we tend to get self-righteous and think, "oh if everyone worked on themselves as much as I do, the world would be a much better place". Which is why I think everyone would benefit from going to therapy, even if it's just for a few sessions. Because for me, therapy was having an unbiased person who helped me see my "mentally unhealthy" behaviors which I feel has made me become a better person. We don't usually think of therapy as a tool to become better people. We think of therapy as a place for people to talk about their problems, which is true. But what makes therapy really hard is that it forces us to address exactly why we are having these negative thoughts and actions which stem from our inse...

Day 1 of starting my (fill-in-the-blank)  [fellowship application] Step 1: Open and look over application Step 2: Get overwhelmed Step 3: Close application and go do something else Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 at least three more times

You may think I have it figured out But if I did, I wouldn't be writing this blog I write it for those days when I feel so alone and I get lost in all my thoughts and I'm trying to understand but I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm even thinking or WHY  because I KNOW I shouldn't be doing this... And on the days when I do have it "under control" there's still this dark cloud in my heart and all   I can do is wait for it to pass So by putting it all out there and letting people see Then maybe we'd all feel less alone. You may think I have it figured out Because I write about the solution and not the problem But the problem is always on my mind. Why else would I focus so hard on the solution?

"I would have never guessed you had anxiety issues"  I didn't think I had anxiety issues either. But then I'd have these moments where I felt so overwhelmed, I had to stop what I was doing because my chest tightened, I felt dizzy, and just really wanted to run home and cry in my bed. It'd be over something small and simple too like designing my experiments or learning about a new experimental protocol. Pretty routine stuff for a graduate student in a research lab. I'd leave to take a break and after a half hour, I'd be fine. Sometimes. There was also the obsessing. Over really small things, like I forgot to make some point on a presentation, or... honestly I can't even remember anymore that's how dumb they were. And I always knew that it was a waste of time and that I was getting worked up over nothing... but the over thinking would still last for at least a day. I think we all do this to a certain extent, but for me it got to the point wh...