Confessions of a happy person

I have this evil twin.  She tells me things like, People are only nice to you because you're "pretty"... They don't really understand you... He's not going to care about you in the future... And she tells me that I need to protect myself. That you can't trust them because they're only going to hurt you.... Except being alone hurts too.

She tells me these things and says they're secrets she's going to share with only me... That everyone's depressed but they just don't know it That we're all lying to ourselves when we think we're happy That life doesn't get better, it only gets worse Cuz relationships suck Having kids is going to suck Working hard sucks That I'm never going to be content with what I have no matter how hard I try And I see how everyone is struggling with life so I can't help but believe everything she says And when I look in the future, the only thing I'm looking forward to is dying But I have my own secret... That I'm fighting to not listen to her. 

When you feel like you're misunderstood Remember that you are not alone When you feel like you're weak Remember that you were strong enough to let yourself be hurt When you feel like you're not good enough Remember the people who you love no matter what When you feel like you're not a good friend Remember how much you appreciate them When you feel like you're weird, crazy, or different Remember that you share the same birthday as Angelina Jolie (it's a gemini thing)

I tend to swing too hard at the ball And forget to take my time Even though I've been playing Since I was five, I'll still misread the signs The more I mess up the harder it is For me to get out of my head But when I'm on, my game is great And I don't worry so much about the red Tennis is the metaphor of my life These tendencies affect me in other ways And I'm waiting to find that partner who helps you grow Even when it's tough, you still want to play Roxy chilling on the tennis court

The Fight Within Be understanding of others But have high standards for yourself Have emotional intelligence But be above self-pity Forgive those who mistreat you But have self respect Recognize other people's talents But reach for your own potential Why waste time fighting with others When we're already battling with our inner demons And with all fights Some we win and some we lose But they don't know about the ones you win And you only see the ones they lose

You may think I have it figured out But if I did, I wouldn't be writing this blog I write it for those days when I feel so alone and I get lost in all my thoughts and I'm trying to understand but I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm even thinking or WHY  because I KNOW I shouldn't be doing this... And on the days when I do have it "under control" there's still this dark cloud in my heart and all   I can do is wait for it to pass So by putting it all out there and letting people see Then maybe we'd all feel less alone. You may think I have it figured out Because I write about the solution and not the problem But the problem is always on my mind. Why else would I focus so hard on the solution?

I Am I am selfish, superficial, and heartless Am I a psychopath? I am unmotivated, pessimistic and hopeless Am I depressed? I have obsessed over my weight, eaten uncontrollably, and skipped eating a whole day Do I have an eating disorder? I am easily distracted, hyperactive, and unfocused Do I have ADD? Do I struggle with mental illness? I am... able to relate -------------------------- This poem is a bit of a prelude to the topic of Monday's post which is about what does "having a discussion about mental illness" even mean (??) and how I believe it's about  having a discussion with yourself first.

Loving "us" I love you but I don't love "us" So rather than being an "us" that I hate I want what's best for "you" and I want what's best for "me" In order to be an "us" that I love

The Fine Line There's a fine line between Being nice To be popular vs. Liking people Posting a selfie To get likes vs. Happiness in being you Telling people your accomplishments To brag vs. Excitement in reaching a goal Being emotional To get pity vs. Letting yourself be vulnerable. Showing your sexuality To get attention vs. Feeling attractive If the two look the same, how can you tell the difference? The answer is, how do you perceive yourself if you did the same thing