Confessions of a happy person

I've written posts about what I call my "funks"  (depression just sounds too serious for me) before but just to summarize, these are periods of days where I have very low motivation, overthink just about everything, and generally have pretty low self-esteem... along with the physical symptoms of stress too . One way I'll know I'm in a funk is that I'll often feel like I'm on the verge of crying. I used to have them quite frequently but now not as much. But I'll still have one now and then and it'll catch me off guard. They still suck just as much  but I've learned to manage them so that at least they don't get in the way of my life. Over the past year, I've picked up a list of things I do to manage the funks: 1. The number one most helpful thing in managing my negative thoughts is my planner.  It helps me remember and organize the million-and-one things I need to do so I don't feel so overwhelmed. It also helps me stay focused...

I still feel guilt over this blog My life is pretty good, how is it that I can still be miserable sometimes Or who am I to think I know any better about how to live life I just want to say that I get it And that depression is the evil twin that knows exactly where your weaknesses are and what to say to inflict the most pain Because it isn't the real you That the more your evil twin isolates you, the more he/she can make you believe their lies That there's nothing harder than fighting your own self Forget war enemies, this enemy is so powerful, it can convince you that you're better off ending your own life ..... I was in a bad mood for almost two weeks after the election All I want to say about it is I think it's healthy to feel things. And that everyone has different ways of dealing with it and doing what they think is best. This is part of being human. ..... I still think about this blog every day I just don't have this NEED to post any...

Back in December, I was working on an application for a pre-doctoral fellowship from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and it's this prestigious award that pays for the tuition and stipend for doctoral students like myself and looks good on your resume. It took me about a month to put together and it's a pretty extensive application including your proposal with preliminary data, information on how you'll be trained, academic history, etc. As part of the application there are these things called BioSketches, which basically is a resume where you include papers you've published, projects you've worked on, your academic history, and a couple of short personal statements about yourself and your project.  In undergrad, I went through a period of depression and my grades weren't that great so I thought I should address that in my personal statement by mentioning it. When my advisor reviewed it, he suggested that I should probably take it out. He's ...

I've been somewhat vague in my posts when I mention how I've been "struggling" with things . Now that I'm doing a lot better I feel like I'm ready to talk about what I meant by that. The past year I started having these mood swings. I think most people would generally agree that I'm a really happy person but looking back, even the ups felt out of my control. Like, I'd just get so excited I could hardly contain myself. Or I'd have to mentally remind myself multiple times to calm down and let it go. Like I couldn't stop myself from thinking about things that got me excited. Which doesn't sound like too big of a problem, I mean, as long as you're happy right? But it'd last for something like 3 days, where I'm just constantly running my mind over the same subject and even though I'd feel exhausted... I just couldn't stop thinking about it.  And usually after that would come the crash.  During these downs I'd ...

She tells me these things and says they're secrets she's going to share with only me... That everyone's depressed but they just don't know it That we're all lying to ourselves when we think we're happy That life doesn't get better, it only gets worse Cuz relationships suck Having kids is going to suck Working hard sucks That I'm never going to be content with what I have no matter how hard I try And I see how everyone is struggling with life so I can't help but believe everything she says And when I look in the future, the only thing I'm looking forward to is dying But I have my own secret... That I'm fighting to not listen to her. 

Things happen = Content Things happen + it's great this happened = Happy Things happen + why didn't this happen = Sad/angry Things happen + I need to make this happen = Anxiety Things happen + it's my fault this happened = Depression

I think part of the reason that it's so hard to talk about our issues is because a lot of times we don't understand why we're even having them. And so it's hard to explain to your friends and family that you're struggling with these things because even if they're supportive and ask you, well why do you feel that way, or what can I do to help... you don't know what to tell them. You can't logically explain it to yourself why you feel depressed. Which makes you feel even crazier and think that there's something wrong with you. "Something may not actually be fundamentally wrong, but you perceive it as so because the depression is tainting your thoughts down to your core." I recently talked to a good friend of mine about this blog and I invited her to share any thoughts that she might have. I've copied and pasted the email she sent me with two of her journal entries. I thought it was really brave of her to share this and I went and high...