My "Crazy" Girl story
In about two months, it'll be a year since I started this blog. I've mentioned a lot of reasons why I started it, including grad school anxiety and to help myself sort out all the thoughts in my head, but this story is probably the main event that led to the creation of this blog.
It started with a video that I posted and then after I wanted to share more of my experiences/thoughts...
I've been meaning to write about this but was still waiting for when I felt ready to share it, so here goes:
---------------------------------
About a year ago, I met this guy. I don't need to tell you the details or how it ended because that's not the point.
It was more of the aftermath that made me start to worry about my mental health.
I was hurt at first, but bounced back quickly enough. A month goes by and I'm doing pretty well, never planning on seeing/speaking to him ever again. I can't say exactly what triggered the downward spiral but I blame this random text that I get from him where we exchange hellos, I'm doing fine and bye.
I guess the first month I did OK because I was in denial about getting played. I know I probably trust people a little too easily but I still feel like I have good judgment when it comes to people. But after that text, I started questioning his motives and re-evaluating the whole situation.
It started out harmless enough, I just wanted to figure out whether or not I had been lied to. I thought if I could understand what happened, then I'd be better prepared the next time I met another guy like that.
Sounds pretty reasonable right?
WRONG.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I don't know if it's my personality or something but it quickly became this obsession.
You know that person that has to go through analyzing every question and answer after you've JUST finished taking a test? That's me.
It's just something I do, where I try to analyze my weaknesses or what I did wrong so that I can improve on myself. And in this case, it was a really bad idea.
I'd mentally rehash everything that happened a million times and it was a slippery slope.
First I thought, OK, perhaps he didn't mean to hurt me. But when things didn't add up, I slowly began to realize that I had been fooled.
I'd do the mental replays which would hurt me, and then I'd think, I need to understand how it happened so that it wouldn't happen to me again next time. And I'd go between rehashing/feeling hurt and the thinking, oh, this is what really happened, then replaying again and looking for more "signs" that I had been lied to...
And then gradually it snowballed into where I was reading way too much into things he said and did and believed that everything was a lie or was used to manipulate me.
I started thinking he was a psychopath. I thought he had stalked me on the Internet. I even somehow got it into my head that he had bugged my phone.
I knew I sounded ridiculous but by then the hurt and fear was so deep, I couldn't shake off those thoughts even though I tried.
And I was totally convinced that I needed to understand what happened because this was how I would protect myself from guys like this.
Of course I had no proof and I wanted answers.
I showed up at his apartment (he wasn't home). I asked him if we could talk (he said no, and I don't blame him). I even sent him harassing text messages until he asked me to stop.
I was paranoid and hysterical and somehow became THAT crazy girl.
I was in this super deep dark hole and the worst part was, I had no idea how I got there. Because somehow, I felt completely justified. I even told myself, "I'm not like those other crazy girls."
I wanted him to own up to what he did. I wanted him to prove to me that he wasn't the terrible person that he was in my mind. And I wanted him to say sorry for screwing with my head and my trust in people.
Of course I never got my closure but when I finally started to let it go, it felt like I woke up from some surreal dream. Like I knew it was me, but was it really??? It didn't feel like it was me.
I had a lot of shame and guilt afterwards but I think it was something I had to go through. It's been a long process of forgiving myself and realizing that I'm not a crazy person. I had just let my thinking get out of control.
So that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to share this because (1) I used to totally judge girls for losing their sh*t like that. Never dreamed I'd be one of them. And (2) for anyone that had a "crazy person moment" because the worst part of it all was thinking that no one understands how it feels (besides Taylor Swift).
It started with a video that I posted and then after I wanted to share more of my experiences/thoughts...
I've been meaning to write about this but was still waiting for when I felt ready to share it, so here goes:
---------------------------------
About a year ago, I met this guy. I don't need to tell you the details or how it ended because that's not the point.
It was more of the aftermath that made me start to worry about my mental health.
I was hurt at first, but bounced back quickly enough. A month goes by and I'm doing pretty well, never planning on seeing/speaking to him ever again. I can't say exactly what triggered the downward spiral but I blame this random text that I get from him where we exchange hellos, I'm doing fine and bye.
I guess the first month I did OK because I was in denial about getting played. I know I probably trust people a little too easily but I still feel like I have good judgment when it comes to people. But after that text, I started questioning his motives and re-evaluating the whole situation.
It started out harmless enough, I just wanted to figure out whether or not I had been lied to. I thought if I could understand what happened, then I'd be better prepared the next time I met another guy like that.
Sounds pretty reasonable right?
WRONG.
WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I don't know if it's my personality or something but it quickly became this obsession.
You know that person that has to go through analyzing every question and answer after you've JUST finished taking a test? That's me.
It's just something I do, where I try to analyze my weaknesses or what I did wrong so that I can improve on myself. And in this case, it was a really bad idea.
I'd mentally rehash everything that happened a million times and it was a slippery slope.
First I thought, OK, perhaps he didn't mean to hurt me. But when things didn't add up, I slowly began to realize that I had been fooled.
I'd do the mental replays which would hurt me, and then I'd think, I need to understand how it happened so that it wouldn't happen to me again next time. And I'd go between rehashing/feeling hurt and the thinking, oh, this is what really happened, then replaying again and looking for more "signs" that I had been lied to...
And then gradually it snowballed into where I was reading way too much into things he said and did and believed that everything was a lie or was used to manipulate me.
I started thinking he was a psychopath. I thought he had stalked me on the Internet. I even somehow got it into my head that he had bugged my phone.
I knew I sounded ridiculous but by then the hurt and fear was so deep, I couldn't shake off those thoughts even though I tried.
And I was totally convinced that I needed to understand what happened because this was how I would protect myself from guys like this.
Of course I had no proof and I wanted answers.
I showed up at his apartment (he wasn't home). I asked him if we could talk (he said no, and I don't blame him). I even sent him harassing text messages until he asked me to stop.
I was paranoid and hysterical and somehow became THAT crazy girl.
I was in this super deep dark hole and the worst part was, I had no idea how I got there. Because somehow, I felt completely justified. I even told myself, "I'm not like those other crazy girls."
I wanted him to own up to what he did. I wanted him to prove to me that he wasn't the terrible person that he was in my mind. And I wanted him to say sorry for screwing with my head and my trust in people.
Of course I never got my closure but when I finally started to let it go, it felt like I woke up from some surreal dream. Like I knew it was me, but was it really??? It didn't feel like it was me.
I had a lot of shame and guilt afterwards but I think it was something I had to go through. It's been a long process of forgiving myself and realizing that I'm not a crazy person. I had just let my thinking get out of control.
So that's why I started this blog.
I wanted to share this because (1) I used to totally judge girls for losing their sh*t like that. Never dreamed I'd be one of them. And (2) for anyone that had a "crazy person moment" because the worst part of it all was thinking that no one understands how it feels (besides Taylor Swift).
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