post-graduate school limbo
It's been two weeks since I officially left my old lab and one week since I've been in Washington.
In two more weeks I'll be starting my new post-doctoral position (meaning more research).
People have been asking me if I'm excited about graduating and starting my new job.... I think I'm mostly just focusing on relaxing and recover from feeling burnt out as much as I can.
No one can ever truly warn you about what adult-hood or graduate school is like, so I think these feelings are just a part of that.
I can't really explain what it is I'm feeling, it's just that when I'm done with one thing, I'm on to the next thing on my never-ending checklist called life. I take breaks/vacations and I try to enjoy and stay in the moments, but you just know in the back of your mind that you have something big coming up soon that you have to plan for (new job, getting married, kids, etc).
Even during this month off, I have to write a small proposal for when I start my post-doc project so it's not a complete break from science.
I think this is all pretty normal where we have goals that we accomplish and then go on to the next one. But I think usually we feel excited and look forward to each accomplishment and I'm just at the point where I'm not feeling excited anymore.
I don't know that I've ever felt being in this weird phase and I hate it.
I defended my thesis in the end of May and being done you would think I'd be excited... BUT I was still working at UCI until mid-July and was never really sure when my official last day was going to be until maybe the last week. And even then I was still hesitant because I kept thinking my boss might ask me to stay.
How is that possible? It's because I'm still in the process of revising a paper that I'm trying to publish on my thesis work (which was 4 years of my life). I defended my thesis while waiting for the reviews back from the paper which is a pretty normal thing to do.
I'm very lucky in that I have an advisor who is reasonable and a talented undergrad student who is willing to stay and help finish up my last experiment. And even then, the odds are 50-50 that the experiment will work and hopefully it doesn't prevent the paper from being accepted.
But that's just how science works and there's nothing you can do except live with the uncertainty and try your best to feel happy at each milestone.
And I know I'm not the only person who is on this rocky boat. But it still takes a lot out of you when you've been on it for about 5+ months.
It makes planning your future really difficult, even when you have a job lined up after you graduate!! Because you can literally do everything humanely possible to try to make things work, there's still a large amount of uncertainty if things will work out in your favor.
People assume that getting a PhD is just more studying but it's not. You basically spend your PhD trying to discover something that no one else knows about. It won't be found in textbooks and even your thesis advisor does not know what the answer is, because no one has figured out that problem yet.
So on top of trying to learn about something no one else knows the answer to, you're also relatively inexperienced to answer it since you're a new student. It can take years to try to figure it out or you also might never find the answers. Not to mention it's all rather subjective and the time and amount of effort spent ≠ getting your PhD.
People can spend five+ years trying to get their PhD and still drop out. It's not uncommon.
When crazy people want to get MD/PhDs (meaning go to medical school AND get a PhD), if they drop out guess which part it is they drop??
I think luckily for me... I would still do it all over again. Because I still enjoy what I do and even when EVERYTHING is going wrong, I've learned to just keep going and it's made me stronger than I've ever been.
And after these last two weeks of not doing too much, I am finally starting to feel a little excited about starting my post-doc soon.
But I do hope it's just graduate school that will feel like this :X
---------------------
Sidenote: I think the only thing I was truly excited for during those months was being able to finally live with Brian! And that really helped a lot.
Also shout out to Jesse Wu and Jeff Jou for asking me about this blog, it helps motivate me to post :)
In two more weeks I'll be starting my new post-doctoral position (meaning more research).
People have been asking me if I'm excited about graduating and starting my new job.... I think I'm mostly just focusing on relaxing and recover from feeling burnt out as much as I can.
No one can ever truly warn you about what adult-hood or graduate school is like, so I think these feelings are just a part of that.
I can't really explain what it is I'm feeling, it's just that when I'm done with one thing, I'm on to the next thing on my never-ending checklist called life. I take breaks/vacations and I try to enjoy and stay in the moments, but you just know in the back of your mind that you have something big coming up soon that you have to plan for (new job, getting married, kids, etc).
Even during this month off, I have to write a small proposal for when I start my post-doc project so it's not a complete break from science.
I think this is all pretty normal where we have goals that we accomplish and then go on to the next one. But I think usually we feel excited and look forward to each accomplishment and I'm just at the point where I'm not feeling excited anymore.
I don't know that I've ever felt being in this weird phase and I hate it.
I defended my thesis in the end of May and being done you would think I'd be excited... BUT I was still working at UCI until mid-July and was never really sure when my official last day was going to be until maybe the last week. And even then I was still hesitant because I kept thinking my boss might ask me to stay.
How is that possible? It's because I'm still in the process of revising a paper that I'm trying to publish on my thesis work (which was 4 years of my life). I defended my thesis while waiting for the reviews back from the paper which is a pretty normal thing to do.
I'm very lucky in that I have an advisor who is reasonable and a talented undergrad student who is willing to stay and help finish up my last experiment. And even then, the odds are 50-50 that the experiment will work and hopefully it doesn't prevent the paper from being accepted.
But that's just how science works and there's nothing you can do except live with the uncertainty and try your best to feel happy at each milestone.
And I know I'm not the only person who is on this rocky boat. But it still takes a lot out of you when you've been on it for about 5+ months.
It makes planning your future really difficult, even when you have a job lined up after you graduate!! Because you can literally do everything humanely possible to try to make things work, there's still a large amount of uncertainty if things will work out in your favor.
People assume that getting a PhD is just more studying but it's not. You basically spend your PhD trying to discover something that no one else knows about. It won't be found in textbooks and even your thesis advisor does not know what the answer is, because no one has figured out that problem yet.
So on top of trying to learn about something no one else knows the answer to, you're also relatively inexperienced to answer it since you're a new student. It can take years to try to figure it out or you also might never find the answers. Not to mention it's all rather subjective and the time and amount of effort spent ≠ getting your PhD.
People can spend five+ years trying to get their PhD and still drop out. It's not uncommon.
When crazy people want to get MD/PhDs (meaning go to medical school AND get a PhD), if they drop out guess which part it is they drop??
I think luckily for me... I would still do it all over again. Because I still enjoy what I do and even when EVERYTHING is going wrong, I've learned to just keep going and it's made me stronger than I've ever been.
And after these last two weeks of not doing too much, I am finally starting to feel a little excited about starting my post-doc soon.
But I do hope it's just graduate school that will feel like this :X
---------------------
Sidenote: I think the only thing I was truly excited for during those months was being able to finally live with Brian! And that really helped a lot.
Also shout out to Jesse Wu and Jeff Jou for asking me about this blog, it helps motivate me to post :)
you got this!! your posts inspire me to keep going
ReplyDeleteHonyin this is freaking awesome. Thank you for continuing to authentically share yourself with the world. <3 - Steph
ReplyDelete