Confessions of a happy person

She tells me these things and says they're secrets she's going to share with only me... That everyone's depressed but they just don't know it That we're all lying to ourselves when we think we're happy That life doesn't get better, it only gets worse Cuz relationships suck Having kids is going to suck Working hard sucks That I'm never going to be content with what I have no matter how hard I try And I see how everyone is struggling with life so I can't help but believe everything she says And when I look in the future, the only thing I'm looking forward to is dying But I have my own secret... That I'm fighting to not listen to her. 

When you feel like you're misunderstood Remember that you are not alone When you feel like you're weak Remember that you were strong enough to let yourself be hurt When you feel like you're not good enough Remember the people who you love no matter what When you feel like you're not a good friend Remember how much you appreciate them When you feel like you're weird, crazy, or different Remember that you share the same birthday as Angelina Jolie (it's a gemini thing)

1. What unconditional love looks like 2. That all puppies who can barely hold in their excitement or freak out all the time will mature and become calm as they get older 3.  That you just need care and understanding when trying to fix any issue 4. That youth is exciting and new, while maturity is dependable and trustworthy. And that you can appreciate both 5. That even though they might not completely understand you... they are still there for you. And that's all you really need  Roxy getting comfy

I made a video blog post! It's a 15 min video where I talk a little about why and how I started this blog as well as reflecting on my life this past year and some of the things that my blog posts were about.  This'll be the last bi-weekly post of the 2015 year because in two weeks I'll be in Taiwan visiting family!  I'll probably still post some small things here and there before I leave and I'll be back in January.  Thanks for reading and hope you guys have a great holiday and a safe new year!!! 

Just an interesting observation I've had. But I still try to come up with posts. I just have a harder time thinking of one. And it makes sense because rather than thinking about life and being in my head all the time (which then becomes a blog post) , I'm busy  living and being present in my life .  But it's hard to tell yourself to stop thinking about things and forcing yourself to be present all the time. Or maybe I'm just really bad at distracting myself and staying focused when I'm busy. Even when I try to think about something else, I'll usually end up thinking about whatever it is that's bothering me again (and I try this about 100 times).  I think it's a mix of both too. That when you're present in your life, you're happier and that when you're happier, you're more present in your life...  I guess the healthy thing is to do the best you can. And to not judge yourself for failing. Because it always just takes som

I had the strangest experience with an anxiety attack today. I was working on my National Institute of Health (NIH) fellowship application (F31) that I was finishing today (it's due tomorrow but it's like college apps where everyone is turning it in and the website will crash). It's basically this government scholarship that funds your tuition and stipend for 2-3 years until you finish.  There's a ton of documents that you have to prepare that cover everything from what kind of equipment and facilities you have access to, to what kind of training you will receive (classes, giving presentations, mentorship), to a 6-page proposal with your preliminary data.  Anyway, I've been working on it for about two weeks, almost non-stop, and I was still working on it all day today. These past two weeks actually weren't that bad. Don't get me wrong, it was A LOT of work but I wasn't too stressed about it. I would just slowly chip away at it and at

Just a little bit of a background story, I auditioned for the Advanced acting class at my studio (the video is below, it's a monologue from Julia Robert's character in My Best Friend's Wedding) But I didn't make it and I was actually REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT. So I was a little hesitant to whether or not I wanted to advance... But I mean, I had been wanting/planning to as soon as I was eligible. However, these past couple of months working on the scenes I had been given, I really felt like I was beginning to progress in my ability to expand my range and if I moved on into the advanced class I wouldn't get a chance to dig further in this particular direction. I mean, we've seen it all before. Where actors pretty much play the same exact person in everything they do. So the way I've been taught at this studio and the way I approach a new role is to find where do I relate to this character. If they feel a certain way about something and I don't really

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving holiday! (for those that celebrate it) So this past year has been a crazy year for me. My next post (12/14/15) will be more of a reflection on that but this week I wanted to just focus on how I've been learning to love myself. Learning to love myself.  What does that mean? It's not like I think about hurting myself or ending my life, so why would I say I didn't love myself? Well like they say, love is unconditional. It doesn't tell you that you're stupid, crazy, weird, not pretty enough, going to fail, be a disappointment, that people don't like you, a bad person... And the funny thing too is that I told myself that I wasn't being negative. It was my motivation because I could always work on myself. I still believe that I can always work on being a better person. But now I've learned I can do that through loving and understanding myself rather than criticizing and trying to fix all my flaws. If you love

Music used to be a really big part of my life. While other kids were listening to Usher, Destiny's Child, and KC & Jojo I was listening to Mozart, Debussy, and Chopin. I took piano lessons starting from when I was 5 and I quit when I was 16. It was very much a love/hate relationship because I did love playing/performing but I didn't want to put in the time to practice. I guess that's kind of normal with any kid though. I can't remember exactly why I quit. I just remember it was a really frustrating time for me though because I wasn't as good as I wanted to be but I think that was mostly just pressure I was putting on myself.  I've never considered myself a perfectionist but now I think it's more just that I won't openly admit it. I guess how it started was I remember messing up at a Bach Festival when I was 15... somehow my left hand got one measure ahead of my right and this continued for maybe 8 counts and I had to literally pick

Things happen = Content Things happen + it's great this happened = Happy Things happen + why didn't this happen = Sad/angry Things happen + I need to make this happen = Anxiety Things happen + it's my fault this happened = Depression

Before I started my blog, I used to avoid posting anything controversial. It wasn't because I was afraid of offending anyone, I just thought it was unnecessary because people are going to see what they want to see (and I believe this now more than ever). So I didn't bother because it wasn't going to change anyone's mind that didn't want to be changed already. At this point in my life however, I see more and more how everyone has their own struggles. And how much everyone just needs and wants support. So voicing your opinion became more about helping and getting everyone to listen to each other. When I first started seeing all those Facebook posts about Paris, I had multiple reactions including: 1. Sadness. For all the friends and family and the people who lost their lives. 2. Pain. For the fact that people can do this to one another and how it must feel to be terrified for your life 3. Shame. For knowing that there are acts of terror all over and the world

This morning I realized I left my laptop charger in the conference room after our weekly lab meeting yesterday. I went to my professor's office and he had just came in to work when I asked him if he could open the room so I could retrieve my charger, which he did for me. Halfway back to the lab, I realized I didn't even say good morning and the first thing I did was to ask him for something and he hadn't even gotten into his office yet and he probably feels taken for granted all the time, and omg I'm terrible... so I immediately turned around to go back and apologize/say good morning but then stopped, re-thought it, and realized how awkward that would be. After a deep breath I had to reassure myself, he's probably not even thinking anything about it, I need to just let it go , I'll say good morning next time... and turned back around. The struggle is so sad, that it's funny.

I tend to swing too hard at the ball And forget to take my time Even though I've been playing Since I was five, I'll still misread the signs The more I mess up the harder it is For me to get out of my head But when I'm on, my game is great And I don't worry so much about the red Tennis is the metaphor of my life These tendencies affect me in other ways And I'm waiting to find that partner who helps you grow Even when it's tough, you still want to play Roxy chilling on the tennis court

I may be pretty, young, smart, talented, successful, fortunate, popular... Or crazy, stupid, failing, lonely, anxious, depressed, hurting... But nothing lasts forever. Which is why I try to appreciate the good and let go of the bad While preparing the best I can and be patient for the future

You're (only kind of) funny (Somewhat) charming And (not that) smooth (No offense but it's only because) I'm interested in you (Or I'm just trying to be nice)

About a month ago, I wrote about how we could all work on being "mentally healthier." The problem with this is a lot of times we don't see how we're being "mentally unhealthy." We definitely see it in other people though, and then we tend to get self-righteous and think, "oh if everyone worked on themselves as much as I do, the world would be a much better place". Which is why I think everyone would benefit from going to therapy, even if it's just for a few sessions. Because for me, therapy was having an unbiased person who helped me see my "mentally unhealthy" behaviors which I feel has made me become a better person. We don't usually think of therapy as a tool to become better people. We think of therapy as a place for people to talk about their problems, which is true. But what makes therapy really hard is that it forces us to address exactly why we are having these negative thoughts and actions which stem from our inse

Thank you to my family for being the safe home I can come back to Thank you to my friends for enjoying this life with me Thank you to my mentors for seeing potential and believing in me Thank you to my mentees for letting me help them by giving back Thank you to my friends and their significant others for showing me that their kind of love does exist Thank you for reading my blog!

When I need a pick me up: Don't Be So Hard On Yourself - Jess Glynne Hold My Hand - Jess Glynne Stand By You - Rachel Platten Fight Song - Rachel Platten Love Myself - Hailee Steinfeld  Something Better - Audien, ft. Lady Antebellum  You - Lost Kings, ft. Katelyn Tarver Close Your Eyes - Meghan Trainor  Shake It Off - Taylor Swift Just Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble When I just want to be sad: Hello - Adele She Used To Be Mine - Sara Barreilles New York City - The Chainsmokers The Giving Tree - Plain White T's Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson Wildest Dreams - Taylor Swift I Almost Do - Taylor Swift Like I'm Gonna Lose You - Meghan Trainor, ft. John Legend I Was Me - Imagine Dragons Someday We'll Know - Mandy Moore, ft. Jonathan Foreman

The Fight Within Be understanding of others But have high standards for yourself Have emotional intelligence But be above self-pity Forgive those who mistreat you But have self respect Recognize other people's talents But reach for your own potential Why waste time fighting with others When we're already battling with our inner demons And with all fights Some we win and some we lose But they don't know about the ones you win And you only see the ones they lose

A few days ago I realized that I forgot the most important part of dealing with getting hurt . It's something that I didn't realize I was struggling with all summer. I had come to terms with the fact that: Yes, there are worse things than being single for the rest of my life (p.s. a lot of people seem horrified that I would think that would happen but trust me, it's one of the most freeing/best ideas I've ever had my entire life and requires it's own blog entry)  Yes, he probably didn't want to hurt me. Yes, life happens the way it's supposed to .  But I left out what I think hurts the most. Yes, I am lovable. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't know that I have people who love and care about me because I do know that. However, I still say I was struggling because I was constantly justifying to myself that I was even like-able...  but you know, I just preferred being single (to be honest though, I do love how uncomplicated my

Today's post is addressing something that has been a little unsettling for me ever since I started this blog and I don't think I knew exactly how to confront it until now. I come from a well-off family that has loved and supported me my whole life, I'm educated and working on my doctorate at a prestigious school, I make friends easily, and I'm also young, healthy, relatively thin and attractive. So who the hell am I to be saying that life is so hard? I'm talking about privilege.  Yes, I do know that life could be a lot worse. But I think it's important to appreciate our lives for what it is, not for what it isn't. And none of it changes the fact that I still have feelings and things that can hurt me. We all think we can solve each other's problems ("if the poor weren't so lazy" or "you're choosing your unhappiness") but a lot of the times, I don't think it's the problem that's the problem. What I mean

Day 1 of starting my (fill-in-the-blank)  [fellowship application] Step 1: Open and look over application Step 2: Get overwhelmed Step 3: Close application and go do something else Step 4: Repeat steps 1-3 at least three more times

We always think we know better Me included (why else would I think my thoughts are worth blogging?)  We believe we bring perspective, our experiences are more relevant, and we're open minded. We see everyone's egos except our own (thinking you have less of an ego or that you're more aware of your own ego is still ego...) And then we're always terrible at taking our own advice.  If you disagree... my ego says that's your ego talking. 

So most of us don’t even really follow football but my friends decided to start up a fantasy football game (? I'm not even sure what they're called) anyway. It’s actually pretty fun even though I don’t know what all the points mean. What we look forward to the most however, is the predictions that one of my friends makes each week and they’re just too funny not to share, even if you don't know football. This week's predictions include Taylor Swift, crazy ex-girlfriends, and a mini-rap. Plus there's a lot of sh*t-talking 'cuz that's just how it goes. Welcome to The Week 5 Smack Board David Seto (Oct 8 6:44 PM): WEEK 4 RECAP: 3-5. OVERALL: 4-12. WOW. BAD, IT’S LIKE THE 2000 RAIDERS TEAMS LOL. BUT JUST LIKE THE RAIDERS, IMPROVING. MAYBE IT’S KARMA FOR TRASH TALKING EVERYONE. FINE, I DESERVE IT. SO THIS WEEK I’M GOING TO GIVE A POSITIVE SPIN TO EACH PREDICTION David Seto (Oct 8 6:44 PM): LAST WEEK’S STUD AKA “MATT DAMON ON MARS”: BAJA HA’S. I’M SPEECH

I wish I could fix everything by telling you how sorry I am That it's selfish of me to decide what's best for you Especially after everything I put you through But I know my words don't mean sh*t . And it kills me that I couldn't do just ONE THING AND STAY When I know you would've done anything for me.

Last month, I wrote an entry comparing mental illness to cancer ( http://honyinchiu.blogspot.com/2015/09/what-do-cancer-and-mental-illness-have.html ) which led me to start wondering if our immune systems (which helps our body fight against disease and the area in which my graduate study is in) might be involved in mental illness.  Digging further, I then spent a crazy two days reading scientific research reviews and papers (even in prominent journals like Nature and Cell) and uncovered this whole field of study that has been around for 20 years known as psychoneuroimmunology which studies the interactions between the immune system and the nervous system (our brain, spinal cord, nerves and sensory organs) and how these interactions affect both our mental and physical health.  I was surprised to find that it's actually been pretty well established for about 20 years that depression is an inflammatory disease. ( http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S02785846100

I just finished reading We Learn Nothing which is a collection of essays and cartoons by Tim Kreider . I became interested in the book after hearing him interview on RadioLab on NPR . During the interview he shared a story about a friend that basically lead a secret life kept hidden from their group of friends the entire time they knew him (the story is in also in this collection). Tim Kreider is a satirical cartoonist and his essays are both really funny yet profound. As I was reading though, I realized that the book was basically about human psychology. There was his uncle who suffered from bi-polar disorder, another friend who went through a sex change, and then of course there was the friend with the secret life who was battling severe depression. Even though these characters are dealing with issues that most of us have never experienced, he's somehow able to make it relatable. Tim himself is a bit of a contradiction. His writing is funny, yet serious, and he's cynical

I think playing "The Game" is a lot like playing BlackJack. When we win, it doesn't really matter whether we followed "the rules" or not.  But when we lose, it's either because we didn't play correctly  Or it's so we can tell ourselves, "well at least I followed the rules." 

I don't know if there was just something about this past summer in particular, or maybe because it's the first summer I've been single in a really long time and so I've been talking to my other single girl-friends a lot more... but basically I've been having very similar conversations with multiple people even though their details were different. So here's my two cents on the craziness that is dating and hopefully it helps to know that we're not the only ones who are super confused because no, you're not crazy or stupid. ---------------------------------- When we get involved with someone and then things don't work out, feeling rejected is kind of a mind f*ck.  Especially when we just know that we felt something. Maybe we shouldn't have made assumptions but seriously though, we all have better things to do than to hang around if they didn't act like they cared.  It feels like being lied to but not being able to prove it. Excep

You may think I have it figured out But if I did, I wouldn't be writing this blog I write it for those days when I feel so alone and I get lost in all my thoughts and I'm trying to understand but I feel like I don't know who I am or what I'm even thinking or WHY  because I KNOW I shouldn't be doing this... And on the days when I do have it "under control" there's still this dark cloud in my heart and all   I can do is wait for it to pass So by putting it all out there and letting people see Then maybe we'd all feel less alone. You may think I have it figured out Because I write about the solution and not the problem But the problem is always on my mind. Why else would I focus so hard on the solution?

Let's have a discussion on mental illness. "We need to stop the stigma" "We need to be more supportive" "There are people that you know who are suffering from depression too" .........? I don't mean to downplay the efforts of mental illness advocates but personally I think these things are already pretty well established. And so there's no discussion because is anyone going to contradict those comments??? And while it's great when people or even celebrities suffering from mental illness come out and share their stories, it doesn't help with the fact that we all tend to treat it as a "it's them, not me" problem. We think, oh it doesn't affect me so how can I even help? And thus there's no discussion. But if we start having an internal discussion, we'd realize  "it" is affecting us every day and we just don't notice it until either we or someone we know has a breakdown. "It&

Disclaimer: I don't mean for these to apply only to heterosexual couples. And it could go the other way too. These are just based off my experience with fighting with my significant other.

I Am I am selfish, superficial, and heartless Am I a psychopath? I am unmotivated, pessimistic and hopeless Am I depressed? I have obsessed over my weight, eaten uncontrollably, and skipped eating a whole day Do I have an eating disorder? I am easily distracted, hyperactive, and unfocused Do I have ADD? Do I struggle with mental illness? I am... able to relate -------------------------- This poem is a bit of a prelude to the topic of Monday's post which is about what does "having a discussion about mental illness" even mean (??) and how I believe it's about  having a discussion with yourself first.

First Post 8/20/15 Acting as therapy and finding that the crazy in us is not so crazy 9/6/15 Loving "us"- a poem about the hard breakups 9/9/15 This one was for all the diet pill ads I see online

We often look at things in terms of black and white You're good or you're bad You're introverted or you're extroverted You're wrong or you're right But if you dig deeper, we often realize that things aren't as clear cut as we think. It's more of spectrum and constant balancing between the two opposite ends. Illness is the same way. (You're either sick or you're not... wait what?) I'm going to use cancer as an example. Cancer by definition is "the disease caused by an uncontrolled division of abnormal cells in a part of the body." But if you ask anyone that studies cancer, they'll tell you that we all have these "abnormal cells" that could potentially develop into this disease. These abnormal cells are formed as a result of regular every day cellular functions (if you want to know more  click here  and here ). There's just no way to avoid it. The reason we don't all have cancer though is that our bod

Those people do those things because they want to, not because a list told them to And they're probably STILL trying to figure it out If it was that easy, why isn't everyone doing those ten things? They tell you what "success/happiness/productiveness" looks like but not how to get there Success looks different for each person Everyone has their own set of talents You judge yourself when you don't meet those expectations You judge other people who don't meet those expectations Lists imply that once you "have it", you can cross it off Because 10 reasons

Loving "us" I love you but I don't love "us" So rather than being an "us" that I hate I want what's best for "you" and I want what's best for "me" In order to be an "us" that I love

Cuz you're not official until you're Facebook Official.  Not only that, but I do post and share other articles, pictures, cartoons, etc that I don't post on here.  https://www.facebook.com/confessionsofahappyperson As always, thanks for reading and all the support! :D 

"Acting is not about being someone different. It's finding the similarity in what is apparently different, then finding myself in there." - Meryl Streep I've been taking acting classes for over a year and from my experience (which isn't a lot but this is what I've been taught), acting is not about being a good liar and it's also not about pretending to be someone else. Which means I'm left with just being genuine and being myself. And while it takes a lot of work to get over the fact that people are watching and being able to connect with your emotions on the spot, the end result is really liberating. Because then (for me anyway) "acting" just becomes this process of believing that the situation is real and then having the freedom of being myself in that situation. This is the part that makes acting so therapeutic for me. Having the freedom of no right or wrong to just  being me. I get to be myself/as my character, with real emotions a

I think part of the reason that it's so hard to talk about our issues is because a lot of times we don't understand why we're even having them. And so it's hard to explain to your friends and family that you're struggling with these things because even if they're supportive and ask you, well why do you feel that way, or what can I do to help... you don't know what to tell them. You can't logically explain it to yourself why you feel depressed. Which makes you feel even crazier and think that there's something wrong with you. "Something may not actually be fundamentally wrong, but you perceive it as so because the depression is tainting your thoughts down to your core." I recently talked to a good friend of mine about this blog and I invited her to share any thoughts that she might have. I've copied and pasted the email she sent me with two of her journal entries. I thought it was really brave of her to share this and I went and high

Just for clarification and reiteration purposes, I'm going to have longer posts once every other Monday and posts like these I'll refer to as my "mini-posts". ------------------------ Yesterday we wrapped up filming for the short student film I'm in. Funny enough (considering this blog is about mental health), I got the lead part playing a psychiatric nurse at a mental hospital. Since next week's post is going to be about how therapeutic acting is for me, I thought I'd share some pictures :) Accidentally running into the recycling bin, on purpose.  The film is called Inner Secret and I play Hau Tran, Nurse. Filming at the hospital set (it's not a real hospital), My friend Giselle. She's got her "decomposing corpse" make-up on.  Another friend Shelley, getting her mental patient make-up on.  PC: Shelley!

I saw this post being shared on Facebook and the story behind her tattoo was a good reminder for me for why I wanted to start this blog.  She posted it a day before I posted my entry about  the stigmas of mental illness. I thought it was kind of cool and maybe a sign of encouragement from the universe. Cuz I've definitely been having those, "is this a good idea" moments. Here's a picture and the text on the post: Bekah Miles (Dear mom and dad, please don’t kill me over this permanent choice. I want you to hear me out.) Today, I am coming out with something that only few of you know. I am ready to have a conversation about my mental illness. Last year, I was diagnosed with depression. And in all honesty, I believe it was a problem for quite a while before that, but I think it just got worse to the point of hardly functioning. So today, I got this tattoo. I feel that my leg was the best place for the meaning behind it. When everyone else sees it