Confessions of a happy person

I still feel guilt over this blog My life is pretty good, how is it that I can still be miserable sometimes Or who am I to think I know any better about how to live life I just want to say that I get it And that depression is the evil twin that knows exactly where your weaknesses are and what to say to inflict the most pain Because it isn't the real you That the more your evil twin isolates you, the more he/she can make you believe their lies That there's nothing harder than fighting your own self Forget war enemies, this enemy is so powerful, it can convince you that you're better off ending your own life ..... I was in a bad mood for almost two weeks after the election All I want to say about it is I think it's healthy to feel things. And that everyone has different ways of dealing with it and doing what they think is best. This is part of being human. ..... I still think about this blog every day I just don't have this NEED to post any

I haven't given up on this blog! So I wanted to share this sermon series about emotional health. I think this series is really great and thought-provoking whether you are Christian or not.  http://www.gospellifemissionchurch.com/the-emotionally-healthy-christian I do want to point out though that I don't necessarily identify myself as Christian. I don't take the Bible literally but I believe in the metaphors because I don't think the details are really that important. I do try to go to church whenever I have time and I'll listen to the sermons online.  For those of you who aren't Christian and might have a hard time listening to something you don't necessarily believe in, here's a few pointers in the way I look at the messages: I believe that God is an accumulation of ALL things in the universe. I see God not as "someone in charge" but more like the natural forces/physics laws in which the way things happen (like in evolution).

When I get a text/call from my boss and I automatically assume I'm in trouble. When I'm feeling super motivated to work but as soon as I get data I don't like, it's game over. When I need him to tell me I'm the prettiest/smartest/funniest girl he's ever liked.  When I already packed lunch but I'm feeling soo lazy I'd rather just buy.  When I weigh myself and think the scale must be broken. 

I have this evil twin.  She tells me things like, People are only nice to you because you're "pretty"... They don't really understand you... He's not going to care about you in the future... And she tells me that I need to protect myself. That you can't trust them because they're only going to hurt you.... Except being alone hurts too.

Year 1-2 YAY SCIENCE! Year 2-3 I suck at science Year 3-4 Science is sifting through the crap that is my data and trying to find something useful and that makes sense Beginning of Year 4- I've gotten a lot more science done than I thought To be continued...

I know it's hard to stay motivated That it feels hopeless and that there's no point in trying But you have to  start small to dream big And if only you could see what I see   You'd believe in you too. 

Sometimes I feel more comfortable being myself around strangers because if they judge me it's not like I'll ever see them again I think wisdom is looking back and realizing that you didn't know as much as you thought you did I usually have a lot more questions than answers I know life could be worse. That's what scares me. If I think life is hard now, how am I going to handle things like raising kids or my parents getting older...  I adore "weird" people The longer I do science the more I'm turning into a stereotypical scientist I like playing candy crush and doing puzzles because it empties out my mind Imagine failing at life about 80% of the time. It's called grad school.  I'm one of those kids that Michelle Obama was talking about in her speech- the ones who grew up with privilege I honestly don't understand why anyone would want to be president

In about two months, it'll be a year since I started this blog. I've mentioned a lot of reasons why I started it, including grad school anxiety and to help myself sort out all the thoughts in my head, but this story is probably the main event that led to the creation of this blog. It started with a video that I posted and then after I wanted to share more of my experiences/thoughts...  I've been meaning to write about this but was still waiting for when I felt ready to share it, so here goes: --------------------------------- About a year ago, I met this guy. I don't need to tell you the details or how it ended because that's not the point. It was more of the aftermath that made me start to worry about my mental health. I was hurt at first, but bounced back quickly enough. A month goes by and I'm doing pretty well, never planning on seeing/speaking to him ever again. I can't say exactly what triggered the downward spiral but I blame this random t

Back in December, I was working on an application for a pre-doctoral fellowship from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and it's this prestigious award that pays for the tuition and stipend for doctoral students like myself and looks good on your resume. It took me about a month to put together and it's a pretty extensive application including your proposal with preliminary data, information on how you'll be trained, academic history, etc. As part of the application there are these things called BioSketches, which basically is a resume where you include papers you've published, projects you've worked on, your academic history, and a couple of short personal statements about yourself and your project.  In undergrad, I went through a period of depression and my grades weren't that great so I thought I should address that in my personal statement by mentioning it. When my advisor reviewed it, he suggested that I should probably take it out. He's

Teens... love is more than just a feeling  Early twenties... love is respectful Late twenties... love lets go of expectations Current... love is possible

The other day I read the letter the Stanford victim wrote to her attacker.  Before I go into my thoughts, I want to make one thing very clear: I think there is absolutely no excuse for Brock Turner's behavior. With that being said, I couldn't help but think that part of the problem with rape culture is the ambiguity in dating culture. Where people (both men and women) are not upfront with their intentions and play games. In the letter, she wrote, "The night after it happened, he said he thought I liked it because I rubbed his back. A back rub." While her intentions were to show how ridiculous it was that he thought a back rub would be a form of consent, I've actually heard very similar things from conversations that I've had with multiple people. If you know me, I'm very straight-forward because I just don't like to assume. Which also means I miss the small cues and meanings that people send (or perhaps I'm just totally oblivious). So I

I had my first experience with sleep paralysis this past weekend.  In summary, sleep paralysis happens when your body thinks your asleep but you're still awake. When your body thinks you're asleep, it relaxes so that you don't move while you're dreaming and hurt yourself. When people have sleep paralysis, they're awake but unable to move their body since it's "sleeping."  A lot of people have hallucinations during sleep paralysis which can also make it really frightening. The night it happened, I was having anxiety and trouble sleeping.  I was facing the wall in my room and all of a sudden I hear this noise like someone's filling up their water cup from a water cooler. Which freaks me out because I don't have a water cooler in my room! I don't turn around because I'm hoping it's just my imagination. But I get the sense that whatever it is, was just taking a water break. Like he's preparing to do something. 

That joke was kind of mean.  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If I bring this up, I'm going to make him feel bad.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK  He's going to think I'm trying to change him .  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK We don't have similar senses of humor. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK That's another thing we don't have in common. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If we don't have anything in common, this relationship isn't going to last. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's not going to like me anymore.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's going to break up with me.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I'm going to have another failed relationship. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I

I know I should be more proactive in following politics to be an informed citizen and vote. And I do believe it does make a difference. But if you don't have a passion for it, it gets overwhelming having to deal with all the rhetoric and let's be real, no one really has all the right answers... so I know I'm being complacent and there's so many other things going on that it's easy to not be thinking about it. I do want to be better though So I'm taking one step at a time I registered to vote online today (yay!) http://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/voter-registration  (for those of you who want to be better too! And live in California...) I figured that's good enough for now at least :)

I took the Pottermore sorting quiz and I got Hufflepuff :( Sometimes I get embarrassed that I write this blog. I really love research and being a grad student... but sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the work and stress. If things could always be worse, then when is it OK to complain? When I'm dead??? I think I'm a pretty average person, but sometimes I wonder if maybe it's just because I'm around people that are more awkward/weird/nerdy than I am. I worry that the way I see myself, isn't how other people see me. I don't think I'm worried about what other people think of me... I think I'm just worried about being totally wrong and not knowing it.  I know worrying never helps anyone. And telling me not to worry only makes me worry that you think I worry too much... which is probably true. But I don't want you thinking that. Don't tell me to be happy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I

Family (for their safety and happiness) Strength (to have faith that it'll be alright) Patience (for myself and the journey) Peace (to live without judgement, anger, or fear) I pray for Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace... Family, Strength, Patience, Peace....

Definitely not posting as much anymore but still keeping up with the bi-weekly posts. Thanks for reading! -------------------------------------------- Back in high school, we had to read the ancient Greek play Oedipus. The story was about this guy Oedipus who kills his father and marries his mother without knowing that they were his parents. The reason he didn't know was because when he was still a baby, it was prophesied that this would happen, so the father trying to run away from this destiny left the baby on a mountainside to die. Of course, some couple finds him and raises him and then he grows up to do all those things.  Whenever I hear stories like this, I'm always left thinking... well what would've happened if the father didn't believe in the prophesy and raised his own son? Would Oedipus still have killed his father? Or did the father basically commit himself to his fate the minute he tried to kill his baby?  I don't think any of us believe

Maybe it's just me but it seems we have something controversial going on every other week. Whether it's a racist joke at the Oscar's, another white cop shooting a black kid, or Donald Trump running for President... tensions are running high and it seems like everywhere you look people are really angry on either side.  As usual, I've been thinking a lot about everything that's going on and I'm always hesitant to have an opinion... But it doesn't feel right not to say anything either.  And then I was thinking about what I had been through this past year and started thinking that perhaps our country is going through a growing pain much like the one I went through. Maybe I'm just being optimistic, but to me, Trump running for president just shows how desperate and how hard certain groups are fighting for the way America "used to be". Because they know that it's dying.  Metaphorically speaking... it's like how forest fires are

A year ago, I got involved in this organization at UC Irvine, CampMed. I received an email that said they were looking for counselors for this camp who's mission was to inspire high school students from lower socioeconomic areas to pursue higher education and careers in the medical field. I'd been involved in a community service org in college so I thought it would be fun plus I felt guilty that I hadn't done any community service in years. They accepted me and next thing I know, I'm at the first meeting with about 60 loud and cheering undergrads having flashbacks to my own college days and thinking, "I'm too old for this" and "what did I just get myself into." It turned out to be a really great experience and reminded me of why I need to make the time to give back.  I know I'm still relatively young, but there's something about working with young people. They have this optimism and energy that I had somehow lost in the fiv

I've been somewhat vague in my posts when I mention how I've been "struggling" with things . Now that I'm doing a lot better I feel like I'm ready to talk about what I meant by that. The past year I started having these mood swings. I think most people would generally agree that I'm a really happy person but looking back, even the ups felt out of my control. Like, I'd just get so excited I could hardly contain myself. Or I'd have to mentally remind myself multiple times to calm down and let it go. Like I couldn't stop myself from thinking about things that got me excited. Which doesn't sound like too big of a problem, I mean, as long as you're happy right? But it'd last for something like 3 days, where I'm just constantly running my mind over the same subject and even though I'd feel exhausted... I just couldn't stop thinking about it.  And usually after that would come the crash.  During these downs I'd

It's been almost six months since I started this blog! I originally started this blog because I felt that there was a lot going on my head that I needed to express. But I didn't necessarily feel like talking to people about it either. I also realized that a lot of people I knew were struggling with their own issues but even though these people were some of my really good friends, and we both knew that the other was struggling, we still rarely ever talked about them. We'd mention stuff but never really go into the details. Or it'd be like, "well this thing kind of sucks but I'm dealing with it..." It's like that one time in 8th grade where I had a crush on this guy in my class, and he had a crush on me, and we both knew we liked each other (practically everyone knew) and even though we talked on instant messenger every day... we never actually talked about how we liked each other. I don't know if it's a good thing or not that we have tr

I was always the type of person to fall too soon too fast. So I could never understand how people could enjoy spending time with a person, like them, be attracted, and care about them but not be sure about anything more than friends. But for the last few months it made a lot more sense to me...  And it's kind of nice because I know I won't get hurt Except I also know that you don't fall in love this way.

This week's post is a little late... I've been busy and tired and let's just face it, happier. Which is good for me but bad for my blog. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This trip I took was exactly what I needed in a lot of different ways. It gave me a chance to get away from all the things that were stressing me out and be able to figure out what was really going on. It's funny how we don't realize that we're going through something until we get out of it. It's like, you don't know how lost you are until you figure out where it is you were actually trying to go because now you have some point of reference.  What I'm trying to say is, I didn't realize these past months what I was really struggling with was my own self-identity. Like I was discovering all these new things about myself and trying to let go of the negative self-images but somewhere in the process I think I lost sight of who I

This past year, I have been struggling with figuring out and trying to be the kind of person that I wanted to be.  But being in the country where my parents grew up and surrounded by family reminded me: That I am my mother and father's daughter That I am my parents in ways that I'm sometimes not even aware of And that they really are special and amazing people So if I'm anything like them Then I don't have to worry... That it's not "right" or "wrong"  It just makes sense And it's how I know in my heart that I'll be OK. 

Life really works in mysterious ways.  On the third day into our trip we were visiting the Long Shan Temple and I was inspired by the people praying there to also make a few prayers myself. I consider myself more spiritual than religious and lately I had started to pray in order to remind myself the things I'm grateful for and to help with the things that are bothering me.  Long Shan Temple While I was there, I boiled it all down and came up with the four most important focuses for myself which I also wanted to reflect on as like some sort of theme for my trip. Or maybe like my New Year's Resolutions even.  They were:  Family- for their safety and happiness Strength- to have faith that it'll be alright Patience- for myself and the journey Peace- to live without judgement, anger, or fear During my trip, I was able to reflect on a lot of different things that were bothering me this last year and I felt more secure about having to deal with my strugg