My "funks" or "depression" or... whatever you want to call it

I've been somewhat vague in my posts when I mention how I've been "struggling" with things. Now that I'm doing a lot better I feel like I'm ready to talk about what I meant by that.

The past year I started having these mood swings. I think most people would generally agree that I'm a really happy person but looking back, even the ups felt out of my control. Like, I'd just get so excited I could hardly contain myself. Or I'd have to mentally remind myself multiple times to calm down and let it go.

Like I couldn't stop myself from thinking about things that got me excited. Which doesn't sound like too big of a problem, I mean, as long as you're happy right? But it'd last for something like 3 days, where I'm just constantly running my mind over the same subject and even though I'd feel exhausted... I just couldn't stop thinking about it. 

And usually after that would come the crash. 

During these downs I'd have really low self-confidence and I'd get upset over really small things. Plus my anxiety got so much worse.

But during both the ups and downs even though I knew that I was being ridiculous, I just couldn't help it. I'd try to get my mind off of it but there's only so many times you can keep trying before you just feel overwhelmed and tired. Like, it shouldn't be that hard.

Before you start thinking that I'm bi-polar, I'm not. I think I probably had the highs just a couple of times. Then I think around August, it'd be mostly downs every other week.

I would call the downs, "my funks." What qualified to me as a "funk" was that I would just be inexplicably/irrationally sad and things that normally could make me feel better didn't work or they were just temporary.

I made this list during one of "my funks"

1. Everything becomes so much harder to do
2. I over-think just about everything (and I mean everything)
3. I'm negative
4. I can't decide what I want to do about anything
5. There's this under-lying feeling that makes me just want to either cry or get away
6. I'm forgetful/absent-minded
7. I have brain fog where I feel like I can't focus/see clearly
8. It's hard to be around/talk to people
9. Being alone is pretty depressing too
10. Worst of all... I can't really figure out why I feel the way I feel and I think if I just tell myself I'm fine, it'll fix everything and I'll feel better... except I still feel like shit.

Everything would overwhelm me and I just wouldn't want to deal with any of it. I'd shut down and avoid people for a few days... and then it'd just go away. And then I'd be like, "see, it was all in your head, you're fine!"

But then they'd come back and it got more and more frequent until by November it was mostly just down. I remember realizing how bad it was when I was getting ready to leave for Taiwan on Christmas Eve but if I was really honest, I just wanted to stay in bed at home. I mean, I was going to Taiwan and I love Taiwan!!!... And I couldn't even be excited for my trip.

I'm guessing some of you might be thinking that I was depressed. My therapist told me she thought I was depressed and I don't know, maybe she was right. I just wanted to describe what I was struggling with and it doesn't really change whether we define it as depression or not.

Whatever it was, it was definitely a different me.

And I really want to make the point that, I think just like how people are different, "depression" can look different too. I mean, I was really active with acting classes, playing in a tennis league, I had grad school going on, and I socialized and exercised pretty regularly... but I'd still have "funks" pretty often.

I tried even more things, I started this blog, I went back to therapy, I tried meditating, I even started going to church (this is going to be a future blog post).

They would just hit me out of nowhere and it was just so frustrating and exhausting for me because despite all of that, it still took all my energy to keep it together and I felt like I was barely dragging myself through those days. 

There were a couple of times where the anxiety was so bad I couldn't sleep or keep food down for days. I remember one day I was so distracted by my thoughts, I almost got into three car accidents in a span of fifteen minutes. When it was at it's worst, the only thing that made me feel better was that at least I wasn't as bad as the people that wanted to kill themselves... (but I'd think about if I did want to, how would I do it?)

It doesn't matter whether or not I considered myself depressed. All I know is what I felt and it wasn't something I wanted to talk to most people about either. People can be there for you and support you but in the end you still have to face your demons on your own.

I do have a history with "funks" (it manifested itself differently the first time though which I guess is another blog post) and I didn't realize I was going through something then either. I'm not trying to downplay anything or say something about depressed people because like I mentioned I think it's different for each person. It can look like a drug addition, an eating disorder, excessive partying/drinking, even successful workaholics (think Ebenezer Scrooge)... Whatever they do to fill that void and to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.

I guess I'm just trying to say I know how it feels.

If you want to know how to help someone who is going through something similar though, if they do happen to bring it up, I'd validate them and let them know that it's OK. Because I don't think anyone really wants to admit that they're struggling and if they are reaching out to you, I'd bet that they've already tried everything else. I think it's just a natural part of the human spirit to keep fighting and trying to rationalize to make things OK in our minds.

I feel lucky that it only lasted as long as it did. Some people have to deal with this for so much longer that it's normal for them. Now that I'm at the other side of it... I feel like I've grown so much as a person. It's reminded me to at least try to be more understanding of others, that I can't survive life without family and friends, and that we all go through these things even if we go through them differently.