What does consent look like in the current dating scene?
The other day I read the letter the Stanford victim wrote to her attacker.
Before I go into my thoughts, I want to make one thing very clear: I think there is absolutely no excuse for Brock Turner's behavior.
With that being said, I couldn't help but think that part of the problem with rape culture is the ambiguity in dating culture. Where people (both men and women) are not upfront with their intentions and play games.
In the letter, she wrote, "The night after it happened, he said he thought I liked it because I rubbed his back. A back rub."
While her intentions were to show how ridiculous it was that he thought a back rub would be a form of consent, I've actually heard very similar things from conversations that I've had with multiple people.
If you know me, I'm very straight-forward because I just don't like to assume. Which also means I miss the small cues and meanings that people send (or perhaps I'm just totally oblivious).
So I was curious as to how people hook-up and I asked people (this is on more than one occasion, haha I know I'm weird), so how does it even happen?
And the answer I got was, you just know.
Me: How do you know? Are they like, hey, do you want to hook up?
Person: No, you can just tell. Like they look at you or touch you.
Me: How are they touching you?
Person: You know, they like rub your lower back or get really close.
Sound familiar?? You have to admit, there's a very fine line between rape and not-rape (within the current dating rules).
AGAIN, I THINK WHAT TURNER DID WAS WAAAAAAY FAR FROM THIS LINE.
But I bring this up because of all the other cases that can be as equally damaging to those involved, but don't get nationally broadcasted. Because it's much harder to get upset and angry when we don't know who is clearly in the wrong.
Everyone laughs at the idea of "netflix and chill" (where inviting someone over to watch netflix is code for hooking up) but sometimes I wonder if there's going to be a case where people point fingers at the victim and say, "if she says yes to coming over for netflix-and-chill, that's a form of consent."
I think the current "rules" in the dating game allows for people to get away with not getting actual consent. Because the current reality is, it's "awkward" to ask or say out-loud and upfront what your intentions are.
Before I go into my thoughts, I want to make one thing very clear: I think there is absolutely no excuse for Brock Turner's behavior.
With that being said, I couldn't help but think that part of the problem with rape culture is the ambiguity in dating culture. Where people (both men and women) are not upfront with their intentions and play games.
In the letter, she wrote, "The night after it happened, he said he thought I liked it because I rubbed his back. A back rub."
While her intentions were to show how ridiculous it was that he thought a back rub would be a form of consent, I've actually heard very similar things from conversations that I've had with multiple people.
If you know me, I'm very straight-forward because I just don't like to assume. Which also means I miss the small cues and meanings that people send (or perhaps I'm just totally oblivious).
So I was curious as to how people hook-up and I asked people (this is on more than one occasion, haha I know I'm weird), so how does it even happen?
And the answer I got was, you just know.
Me: How do you know? Are they like, hey, do you want to hook up?
Person: No, you can just tell. Like they look at you or touch you.
Me: How are they touching you?
Person: You know, they like rub your lower back or get really close.
Sound familiar?? You have to admit, there's a very fine line between rape and not-rape (within the current dating rules).
AGAIN, I THINK WHAT TURNER DID WAS WAAAAAAY FAR FROM THIS LINE.
But I bring this up because of all the other cases that can be as equally damaging to those involved, but don't get nationally broadcasted. Because it's much harder to get upset and angry when we don't know who is clearly in the wrong.
Everyone laughs at the idea of "netflix and chill" (where inviting someone over to watch netflix is code for hooking up) but sometimes I wonder if there's going to be a case where people point fingers at the victim and say, "if she says yes to coming over for netflix-and-chill, that's a form of consent."
I think the current "rules" in the dating game allows for people to get away with not getting actual consent. Because the current reality is, it's "awkward" to ask or say out-loud and upfront what your intentions are.
I agree that the ambiguity is one of the inherent problems in dating. As you have said, what he did was way over the line. But in general, I think it's a dilemma between wanting the romantic fantasy where wonderful things just happen from “fate” and the boring reality where things should be discussed openly. Speaking as a guy, there is one more added complexity. We are expected to take the initiative and be confident in our actions. Unfortunately asking for permission tends to lean towards passiveness which is unattractive. So this encourages a mentality that can easily mutate into rape culture.
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