My anxiety

I know I'm posting a lot less than I used to and for the most part I'm doing a lot better. 

Except when I'm not. 

And when I'm not, the most I can do is just cope with it and wait until the funk passes. 

Which.... can.... feel..... like.... it..... takes..... forever..... 

During the funk, I have to make lists of exactly what I'm going to do and what time (including easy things like going grocery shopping). Then I just commit (in other words, not overthink) to getting one thing done at a time. And it really helps because just like downward spirals, I sometimes have upward spirals. 

I'll get one thing done and feel accomplished and move on to the next, and eventually I'll not feel like in a funk anymore. 

BUT... sometimes that one thing can still be too much because something didn't go the way I planned and I know it's not a big deal but whyyyy and I just get overwhelmed and feel even worse....

So I just have to accept that that was all I could do for the day and that's OK. 

Because the harder I try to control it, the more upset I get at myself when I can't.

I experience physical symptoms too. I'll lose my appetite or randomly get really nauseous after eating and throw up. I also will feel the "lump" in the back of my throat and my chest tightens so it gets hard to breath. This can last for days at a time.

I get "panic attacks" even when I'm not feeling too stressed out. The first time it happened (when I didn't think I was feeling stressed) I went to urgent care because my chest felt really tight and it was uncomfortable breathing.

It's like that feeling you get when you're out of shape and running and your chest and throat hurt from breathing so hard. Except I'm not running??? I'm just sitting at my lab bench doing experiments. 

The doctor told me I was fine and I was probably just stressed. He was a jerk about it too which didn't help. 

I'll also get this uncomfortable pressure behind both eyes and when I got it checked out was told it might be due to stress headaches. And it's not from looking at a screen all day because I'll wake up and the pressure'll already be there. 

It's funny though because even with all that, I still am in denial sometimes. Like I still think it's just all in my head and that I'm making this all up. 

But I don't know.

I've kind of just accepted that it's probably due to the stress of grad school. It helps knowing I'm not the only one even though we all experience it a little differently.

I walk about 30 minutes a day, exercise at least 1-2 times a week, I eat relatively healthy, I average 8-9 hours of sleep each night, see my family every other weekend, hang out with friends regularly and I make sure not to overload myself with commitments.... so not much sure what else I can do except to manage it the way I have been.

But I do I feel like it's been getting better.

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So I originally wrote this post in August and just never posted it. I'm probably at the most stressed I've ever been in grad school right now, but for the most part I'm managing it pretty well. The only annoying thing is I've lost my appetite/feel a bit nauseous.

It's funny looking back at how much I was in denial about my anxiety but now that I've accepted that it's a part of who I am, it doesn't get me as down so much anymore. Instead, I've picked up a lot of tricks for dealing with it, which I plan to post soon!