Confessions of a happy person

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving holiday! (for those that celebrate it) So this past year has been a crazy year for me. My next post (12/14/15) will be more of a reflection on that but this week I wanted to just focus on how I've been learning to love myself. Learning to love myself.  What does that mean? It's not like I think about hurting myself or ending my life, so why would I say I didn't love myself? Well like they say, love is unconditional. It doesn't tell you that you're stupid, crazy, weird, not pretty enough, going to fail, be a disappointment, that people don't like you, a bad person... And the funny thing too is that I told myself that I wasn't being negative. It was my motivation because I could always work on myself. I still believe that I can always work on being a better person. But now I've learned I can do that through loving and understanding myself rather than criticizing and trying to fix all my flaws. If you love...

Music used to be a really big part of my life. While other kids were listening to Usher, Destiny's Child, and KC & Jojo I was listening to Mozart, Debussy, and Chopin. I took piano lessons starting from when I was 5 and I quit when I was 16. It was very much a love/hate relationship because I did love playing/performing but I didn't want to put in the time to practice. I guess that's kind of normal with any kid though. I can't remember exactly why I quit. I just remember it was a really frustrating time for me though because I wasn't as good as I wanted to be but I think that was mostly just pressure I was putting on myself.  I've never considered myself a perfectionist but now I think it's more just that I won't openly admit it. I guess how it started was I remember messing up at a Bach Festival when I was 15... somehow my left hand got one measure ahead of my right and this continued for maybe 8 counts and I had to literally pick ...

Things happen = Content Things happen + it's great this happened = Happy Things happen + why didn't this happen = Sad/angry Things happen + I need to make this happen = Anxiety Things happen + it's my fault this happened = Depression

Before I started my blog, I used to avoid posting anything controversial. It wasn't because I was afraid of offending anyone, I just thought it was unnecessary because people are going to see what they want to see (and I believe this now more than ever). So I didn't bother because it wasn't going to change anyone's mind that didn't want to be changed already. At this point in my life however, I see more and more how everyone has their own struggles. And how much everyone just needs and wants support. So voicing your opinion became more about helping and getting everyone to listen to each other. When I first started seeing all those Facebook posts about Paris, I had multiple reactions including: 1. Sadness. For all the friends and family and the people who lost their lives. 2. Pain. For the fact that people can do this to one another and how it must feel to be terrified for your life 3. Shame. For knowing that there are acts of terror all over and the world...

This morning I realized I left my laptop charger in the conference room after our weekly lab meeting yesterday. I went to my professor's office and he had just came in to work when I asked him if he could open the room so I could retrieve my charger, which he did for me. Halfway back to the lab, I realized I didn't even say good morning and the first thing I did was to ask him for something and he hadn't even gotten into his office yet and he probably feels taken for granted all the time, and omg I'm terrible... so I immediately turned around to go back and apologize/say good morning but then stopped, re-thought it, and realized how awkward that would be. After a deep breath I had to reassure myself, he's probably not even thinking anything about it, I need to just let it go , I'll say good morning next time... and turned back around. The struggle is so sad, that it's funny.

I tend to swing too hard at the ball And forget to take my time Even though I've been playing Since I was five, I'll still misread the signs The more I mess up the harder it is For me to get out of my head But when I'm on, my game is great And I don't worry so much about the red Tennis is the metaphor of my life These tendencies affect me in other ways And I'm waiting to find that partner who helps you grow Even when it's tough, you still want to play Roxy chilling on the tennis court

I may be pretty, young, smart, talented, successful, fortunate, popular... Or crazy, stupid, failing, lonely, anxious, depressed, hurting... But nothing lasts forever. Which is why I try to appreciate the good and let go of the bad While preparing the best I can and be patient for the future

You're (only kind of) funny (Somewhat) charming And (not that) smooth (No offense but it's only because) I'm interested in you (Or I'm just trying to be nice)

About a month ago, I wrote about how we could all work on being "mentally healthier." The problem with this is a lot of times we don't see how we're being "mentally unhealthy." We definitely see it in other people though, and then we tend to get self-righteous and think, "oh if everyone worked on themselves as much as I do, the world would be a much better place". Which is why I think everyone would benefit from going to therapy, even if it's just for a few sessions. Because for me, therapy was having an unbiased person who helped me see my "mentally unhealthy" behaviors which I feel has made me become a better person. We don't usually think of therapy as a tool to become better people. We think of therapy as a place for people to talk about their problems, which is true. But what makes therapy really hard is that it forces us to address exactly why we are having these negative thoughts and actions which stem from our inse...