The fourth trimester

This coming Monday is the 12-week mark of my new baby son, Kai! They call the first 12 weeks the 4th trimester because it’s the transition period for the baby to adjust to being outside the mom’s womb as well as the recovery and adjustment as a mom of a new baby. 

We’ve been really blessed during these COVID times as Brian and I have been working from home since mid-March and are getting so much extra bonding time as a family. It's been interesting because having a baby is a big life change in and of itself however, nowadays life seems different for everyone. 

Overall, Brian and I are enjoying being new parents and we’re really lucky because Kai is as well behaved as a baby could be. He sleeps at night, rarely fusses and is easily content. I can also see in ways how Brian and I have both grown as individuals and in our relationship so I feel truly blessed. 

So I wanted to share my birth story and postpartum depression/anxiety experience (which I’ve been told every mom goes through after giving birth) but first here are five things that have surprised me the most about being a new mom: 

1. Hair growth- I think has pretty much halted. My hair is already super long so the only way I’ve noticed this is that my armpit hair has barely grown at all after shaving it. Also, the other day I noticed that my eyelashes look pathetic and very much thinned out (not that they were thick to begin with) so I’m assuming that the natural everyday eyelash loss has not been replaced by new growth. Meanwhile, Kai’s eyelashes are growing longer and longer. I’m assuming my hair will go back to its natural cycle after I am done breastfeeding. As Ali Wong says, it’s like he really is sucking the life out of me.
2. Bottles- I had heard breastfeeding can be difficult so I was nervous and overwhelmed by trying to read all the tips and tricks that are out there. But I never considered that a breastfed baby might hate taking a bottle! We had fed Kai a few times with the bottle early on but we didn’t do it everyday and then after one weekend when he was 7 weeks old he suddenly HATED it. He would cry bloody murder and refuse to eat when we tried feeding him with the bottle. Brian has been working on it everyday and now he will eat from a bottle but it’s still not quite there yet. 
3. Body aches- I knew all about the potential aches and pains of being pregnant but I didn’t hear anything about the aches and pains of being a new mom. I thought once I gave birth, all the weight I carried would be gone but now I’m just carrying him outside of my body and he just keeps getting heavier. Not to mention the wrist pain (both sides), back, hips and feet pain from standing. 
4. Breastfeeding- Maybe it’s still too early to say since I’ve only been doing this for less than three months but I never expected to enjoy breastfeeding as much as I do. There’s nothing like seeing your full and satisfied baby just relaxing in your arms with this content and sleepy smile on his milk covered face (lol!). I also love that it gives me an excuse to just drop whatever it is I’m doing to go spend time and feed him. I’m always trying to remind myself to be present and enjoy the moment and spending time with a newborn baby has made it so easy. Not to say that it isn’t stressful when he’s crying or when you’re exhausted. But in those early days the night-time feedings were my favorite because it was quiet and just us two in the rocker. It also helps that he’s half asleep and is just so cute and cuddly after eating. 
5. Love- There’s something to be said about the hormones that help you bond with your baby but it’s amazing to me how much you could love and care about someone you barely know and just met. Emotionally it’s really hard for me to see or think about Kai being in pain and I’ll miss him even when he’s napping right next to me. And then the crazy part is when you think you can’t love him any more than you already do, your love just continues growing as he starts to smile and interact with you more!

Now for my birth story, I started having contractions around 6 am on a Saturday morning but they were relatively mild. I had a feeling I was going to go into labor soon because the day before I felt great and had a ton of energy after feeling super crappy and exhausted the whole week. I spent the day doing last minute cleaning and even baked the Double Tree chocolate chip cookies. 

So Saturday morning, after eating breakfast, I took a nap from 9-10 while Brian finished up some woodworking in the garage. I timed a few and they were about 5-7 minutes apart and lasting from 45 seconds to a minute (which is textbook labor contractions) but they didn’t really hurt. I finally called the hospital and they said to come in because even though they didn’t hurt, it could still happen really fast.

At the hospital they checked me and I was only 2 cm dilated so 2 hours later they sent me home since I didn’t progress. Usually you don’t get checked in until you reach 4 cm. By that time the contractions were really starting to get hard to walk through so they gave me a shot for pain management and I went home to take a nap. We got home around 4 and I woke up around 8 and the contractions didn’t get worse or better but then I started having some contractions on top of each other so I told Brian we should probably go. By the time I got admitted it was 10 pm and I was at 4 cm.

Around midnight they administered the epidural and so I pretty much slept the rest of the time. It was taking a while so I think around 5pm the doctor broke my water and later started me on Pitocin to move things along and finally by 9 pm I was ready to push. Pushed for 3 hours, had to use forceps and ended up with a third degree tear. But at least Kai was out! We also found out he was sunny-side up which was what made it harder to push him out.

Of course, I didn’t really feel anything because I was on the epidural but I do remember being a bit overwhelmed and worried because it was taking so long and I couldn’t really tell if anything was happening. The 3 hours just flew by but it was a little worrying because they were monitoring Kai’s heartbeat and I could hear it slow down after each push as he was getting stressed.

In the end, despite having the epidural, I still felt quite traumatized after the whole thing. I wasn’t nervous beforehand about having to give birth since I was planning on an epidural. I also felt prepared and knowledgeable about what was happening but I was still really scared about tearing. The only other option was to have a C-section and that for me was a last resort. 

So while it was happening, I tried not to think about it and just focused on getting Kai out safely which has gotten me through this whole experience. The first week I suffered from anxiety and post-traumatic stress. Even though I was exhausted and felt like I got hit by a bus... I couldn’t sleep for three whole days after getting home from the hospital. And I’m really great at sleeping, lol. 

The discomfort was manageable during the day when I had things to distract me. But whenever I tried to sleep (day or night), it was all I could feel and it was a reminder of the traumatic event I had just gone through. It wasn’t even painful but it would just remind me that I had this tear and somehow I felt like it was my fault. That I shouldn’t have taken the epidural or that I should’ve walked more during the lockdown because then he wouldn’t have been sunny-side up and this wouldn’t have happened.

I knew about post-partum depression/anxiety and thought I would be prepared to deal with it. For the most part, the thoughts weren’t what was keeping me up. I just didn’t want to be reminded of it which was impossible because whenever I closed my eyes, all I could feel was the tear and I could feel my heart starting to race as my anxiety went up. And of course the longer I stayed up, the harder it was to control my anxiety. 

I tried everything I could think of to relax and calm myself down—meditation, taking baths, sleepy-time tea, melatonin, prayer and breathing exercises. I couldn't read and could barely watch TV cuz my eyes and brain were so tired. I also tried to stay positive and remind myself that I was grateful for Kai's health, grateful for Brian, grateful that I didn't have a C-section or a 4th degree tear, grateful that my parents were there...

The few times I would reach that state in between falling asleep and actually being asleep, I would feel this weird shooting feeling from my tear throughout my whole body--almost like being electrocuted--and it would wake me up. It probably also didn’t help that I had a baby to take care of. 

Those were probably the three longest days of my entire life. 

The craziest part is even though I was so completely miserable, I was also feeling completely happy whenever I was holding Kai. It was like the highest of highs and lowest of lows at the same time. 

When I finally couldn't take it any longer I called my doctor and they recommended a few things, one of which was Percocet, which is an opioid. I was hesitant to ask for it because one of the side effects is constipation, which is not pleasant when recovering from a third degree tear. The nurse who helped me push during labor also seemed to have the impression of me being stronger than I really am and told me she didn’t think I would need it. So I kept telling myself I could get through this without the Percocet. I was also already taking Ibuprofen and Tylenol. 

Brian convinced me that I should at least try it so I did. To be honest, I wish I had just gotten it earlier. It didn’t take away any of the feeling but it got me to relax enough to be able to fall asleep. I would only take it at night if I couldn’t fall asleep after 1 hour and it only took me 3 more nights to be able to finally sleep without taking it.

 

We’re always talking about mind over matter and how if we can just mentally push ourselves, we can overcome what we thought was physically impossible. This was a good reminder that it goes both ways and the physical can also affect the mind. It also doesn't help that your body is full of adrenaline from the birth. Once I could get my body to relax (with the use of drugs), I was able to calm my mind down as well. Even with the epidural, it is probably the hardest thing I've ever physically and mentally gone through and I wouldn't have been able to recover without much needed rest. 

Even though I've fully recovered, I'm left with a skin flap which I can still feel. I also went through all 5 stages of grief for my untorn bottom but I've accepted it as a part of my new postpartum body. Along with the flabby stomach and sagging boobs. Can't wait for the next baby. 😂 

Needless to say I'm glad that it’s all behind me and although I still think it was worth it, it didn't make it suck any less! I'm also entertaining the idea of a drug-free birth for the next one now. 

Anyway, here are some pictures of Kai 💗