Confessions of a happy person

Back in December, I was working on an application for a pre-doctoral fellowship from the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and it's this prestigious award that pays for the tuition and stipend for doctoral students like myself and looks good on your resume. It took me about a month to put together and it's a pretty extensive application including your proposal with preliminary data, information on how you'll be trained, academic history, etc. As part of the application there are these things called BioSketches, which basically is a resume where you include papers you've published, projects you've worked on, your academic history, and a couple of short personal statements about yourself and your project.  In undergrad, I went through a period of depression and my grades weren't that great so I thought I should address that in my personal statement by mentioning it. When my advisor reviewed it, he suggested that I should probably take it out. He's ...

Teens... love is more than just a feeling  Early twenties... love is respectful Late twenties... love lets go of expectations Current... love is possible

The other day I read the letter the Stanford victim wrote to her attacker.  Before I go into my thoughts, I want to make one thing very clear: I think there is absolutely no excuse for Brock Turner's behavior. With that being said, I couldn't help but think that part of the problem with rape culture is the ambiguity in dating culture. Where people (both men and women) are not upfront with their intentions and play games. In the letter, she wrote, "The night after it happened, he said he thought I liked it because I rubbed his back. A back rub." While her intentions were to show how ridiculous it was that he thought a back rub would be a form of consent, I've actually heard very similar things from conversations that I've had with multiple people. If you know me, I'm very straight-forward because I just don't like to assume. Which also means I miss the small cues and meanings that people send (or perhaps I'm just totally oblivious). So I...

I had my first experience with sleep paralysis this past weekend.  In summary, sleep paralysis happens when your body thinks your asleep but you're still awake. When your body thinks you're asleep, it relaxes so that you don't move while you're dreaming and hurt yourself. When people have sleep paralysis, they're awake but unable to move their body since it's "sleeping."  A lot of people have hallucinations during sleep paralysis which can also make it really frightening. The night it happened, I was having anxiety and trouble sleeping.  I was facing the wall in my room and all of a sudden I hear this noise like someone's filling up their water cup from a water cooler. Which freaks me out because I don't have a water cooler in my room! I don't turn around because I'm hoping it's just my imagination. But I get the sense that whatever it is, was just taking a water break. Like he's preparing to do something.  ...

That joke was kind of mean.  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If I bring this up, I'm going to make him feel bad.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK  He's going to think I'm trying to change him .  It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK We don't have similar senses of humor. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK That's another thing we don't have in common. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK If we don't have anything in common, this relationship isn't going to last. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's not going to like me anymore.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK He's going to break up with me.   It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I'm going to have another failed relationship. It's not a big deal, everything is going to be OK I...

I know I should be more proactive in following politics to be an informed citizen and vote. And I do believe it does make a difference. But if you don't have a passion for it, it gets overwhelming having to deal with all the rhetoric and let's be real, no one really has all the right answers... so I know I'm being complacent and there's so many other things going on that it's easy to not be thinking about it. I do want to be better though So I'm taking one step at a time I registered to vote online today (yay!) http://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/voter-registration  (for those of you who want to be better too! And live in California...) I figured that's good enough for now at least :)

I took the Pottermore sorting quiz and I got Hufflepuff :( Sometimes I get embarrassed that I write this blog. I really love research and being a grad student... but sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the work and stress. If things could always be worse, then when is it OK to complain? When I'm dead??? I think I'm a pretty average person, but sometimes I wonder if maybe it's just because I'm around people that are more awkward/weird/nerdy than I am. I worry that the way I see myself, isn't how other people see me. I don't think I'm worried about what other people think of me... I think I'm just worried about being totally wrong and not knowing it.  I know worrying never helps anyone. And telling me not to worry only makes me worry that you think I worry too much... which is probably true. But I don't want you thinking that. Don't tell me to be happy. I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I...