Confessions of a happy person

After 2.5 years of trying-to-conceive and being unsuccessful, our plan is to continue trying for the rest of this year and if nothing happens we are going to start looking into the process of adoption in 2025.  Because of all this, I've decided this year is going to be my YOLO (you only live once) year and one of the things I wanted to do was to go "all out" in throwing Kai a birthday party.  For this post, I'm making a money diaries for the birthday party. If you're not familiar with money diaries, it's basically people making a detailed description usually about how much they spent in one week. You can read them here. For the party I booked a venue that was basically a glorified McDonald's play area with some extra areas set up for kids to play doctor, go grocery shopping, run a restaurant and their own home kitchen. It came with a private room for 1 hour and 45 minutes.  The number of estimated people ended up being 13 kids (not including 5 babies) and ...

Period started this morning. This month was my “break” from trying to conceive (TTC) but of course I could still tell when I was ovulating because of my body signals so we still timed everything correctly. The only real difference was that I drank coffee every day without caring. We saw a fertility specialist in May and all the tests look fine with both me and Brian. The only thing was my thyroid levels were not optimal so I've been on Synthroid for about 3 months now.  I’m taking today much better than I expected, I was actually kind of dreading getting my period and wasn’t sure how I was going to deal. Last month I was pretty depressed for a couple of days and the stress of TTC from the previous two months were definitely starting to take a toll on me. I thought it was my hour-long commute that was causing all the tension in my shoulders and neck but that turned out not to be the case. As soon as I decided to take a break I could feel the tension start to relax. I had picke...

2020 is going to be a landmark year in history, so I thought I'd write a small reflection.  With COVID-19 changing literally everything, I do feel that I am one of the rare lucky people who has thrived during these times. When Washington went into lock down, I was already over 7 months pregnant. Brian and I were both very fortunate to be able to work for home, so we got to spend a lot of quality time together as a couple. And of course once the baby was born, the extra time that we've had to bond as a new family has been so priceless.  As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depressive thoughts before though, I do not take it for granted that I can feel still feel happy and hopeful during times like these. In the back of my mind I'm always worried that I might relapse and have postpartum depression or I won’t be able to handle my anxieties in the future. And I've definitely had a couple of episodes during this last year.  Overall though, I am thankful that I have ...

Making a sort-of small post since it’s the 5 year anniversary of my blog. I’ve been looking back and have made a list of some highlight posts below.  I don’t post as much and part of that is because I am doing much better these days.  I do think that during the time I was struggling is also the time that I went through the most personal self-growth into who I am now. I feel like personality-wise I perhaps didn’t change that much but instead of being the person I think I “should” be, I’m more of the person that I want to be. Not to say there aren’t things that I think I could do better and I will always be a work-in-progress but I am much more at peace with myself.  I still deal with social anxiety at times and I actively work on letting those negative thoughts go but I’ve come to accept that it’s just a part of who I am. I also feel that I’m much better at recognizing my harmful thought processes and dealing with my feelings. And even on the days where I don’t feel great ...

This coming Monday is the 12-week mark of my new baby son, Kai! They call the first 12 weeks the 4th trimester because it’s the transition period for the baby to adjust to being outside the mom’s womb as well as the recovery and adjustment as a mom of a new baby.  We’ve been really blessed during these COVID times as Brian and I have been working from home since mid-March and are getting so much extra bonding time as a family. It's been interesting because having a baby is a big life change in and of itself however, nowadays life seems different for everyone.  Overall, Brian and I are enjoying being new parents and we’re really lucky because Kai is as well behaved as a baby could be. He sleeps at night, rarely fusses and is easily content. I can also see in ways how Brian and I have both grown as individuals and in our relationship so I feel truly blessed.  So I wanted to share my birth story and postpartum depression/anxiety experience (which I’ve been told every mom goe...

I started this blog exactly 4 years ago today! To celebrate, I did a thing! (It wasn't planned on purpose, it just happened) Check out this week's episode of Just Jive podcast where I was a guest and we talk a bit about my blog and self-care! https://open.spotify.com/episode/20NyU4DDGgXg9KgnHNIUd6 Follow them on Instagram & Twitter: @JustJivePod For more tips and tricks:  https://honyinchiu.blogspot.com/2017/02/tips-on-managing-funks.html

It’s been 1 year now since I finished my PhD. After taking a month off, I started a postdoctoral fellow position in Seattle. According to Wikipedia, "In the US, a postdoctoral scholar is an individual holding a doctoral degree who is engaged in mentored research or scholarly training for the purpose of acquiring the professional skills needed to pursue a career path of his or her choosing.” In other words, a postdoc is another training period before starting a “real” job. I like to explain it as being similar to what residency is for medical students. So how has it been one year out of my PhD? I think overall I’ve been fighting a lot of feelings of disillusionment with my career choice/research for a few reasons: Failure- We deal with so much failure in science and research. As humans we’ve come a long way since caveman days but there is an infinite amount that we just don’t know about the universe. Despite our best efforts, 90% of drugs that even make it to the clini...

It’s been a little over 6 months since our wedding day! People keep asking me how married life is going and surprisingly, transitioning into marriage hasn’t felt like a huge change for us. That’s not to say that we have the perfect relationship because we still argue probably almost every day (lol). But overall it just felt like a very natural progression. We had been living together since August (we got married in December) so we had 4 months to adjust before the wedding. I think the first month was definitely the most rough where we both felt a little bit of tension but it wasn’t for any specific reasons. There were a couple of fights because I pretty much do all the cooking and the cleaning and I had a couple of those moments where I was like…. Omg… is it going to be like this THE REST OF MY LIFE I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN HANDLE BEING HIS MAID!!!??!!!! And then there were a couple big fights about money but it was usually related to wedding stuff. But since then we haven’t had any...

It's been two weeks since I officially left my old lab and one week since I've been in Washington. In two more weeks I'll be starting my new post-doctoral position (meaning more research). People have been asking me if I'm excited about graduating and starting my new job.... I think I'm mostly just focusing on relaxing and recover from feeling burnt out as much as I can. No one can ever truly warn you about what adult-hood or graduate school is like, so I think these feelings are just a part of that. I can't really explain what it is I'm feeling, it's just that when I'm done with one thing, I'm on to the next thing on my never-ending checklist called life. I take breaks/vacations and I try to enjoy and stay in the moments, but you just know in the back of your mind that you have something big coming up soon that you have to plan for (new job, getting married, kids, etc). Even during this month off, I have to write a small proposal for w...

You know that ticking bomb I talked about? Well it blew up on Monday. There was some miscommunication (always) and next thing I know, I'm crying and screaming. And I know this fight is my fault and it's over nothing. Even when I know it's coming, I just can't seem to stop it.  It's like the forecast is saying there's going to be a hurricane and all I can do is take shelter and wait for it to pass. Only this hurricane wrecks my heart, body and soul. Then I'm left with picking up the pieces and I have to just keep going on with my life. And hope that there'll be sun coming soon after.

I've been feeling extra irritable as of late. Between trying to graduate by the end of May, looking for a job, planning the wedding, getting ready to move to Seattle AND looking to buy a house... I know these are all great things and for the most part I am really happy and excited. But it is A LOT of change. And I don't necessary  feel stressed but it always ends up manifesting itself when I'm not expecting it and then I'm wondering why I'm so upset over nothing. So lately, the evil twin has been irritable at the fiance. He's familiar with my tendencies (not that it makes it any easier) and I've been good enough to catch myself and apologize before I go down that spiral...  But I don't feel any better and it feels like it's just a bomb that's waiting to go off. Usually when I'm tired and can't keep it in check. I don't know which is worse, feeling mad or sad all the time ---- UPDATE: Of course, not long after I ...

Education/career ✅ Graduate high school ✅  Graduate college Choose one or combination: ✅ Spend years w ondering what to do with your life ✅ Question w hy am I putting myself through this much stress ✅ T his is not how I imagined my career to be Graduate school ✅  Find a lab to join ✅  Pass preliminary exam ✅  Graduate school slump/depression/anxiety ✅  Pass advancement  ✅  Defend thesis Planning a wedding ✅ Make guest list ✅  Book venue/ceremony sites ✅  Pick bridal party ✅  Choose a theme ✅  Meltdown/panic attack ✅  Pick wedding colors Settling down ✅  Go on first date ✅  Become exclusive (boyfriend/girlfriend) ✅  Show them how crazy you are Next, only pick one ✅  Scare them away ✅  Get engaged/married

Got a new GoPro for Black Friday and made a video of my trips with Brian and his family in the last month of 2017. Here's to a new year and more moments of just living in the present!

Hey guys! I'm participating in questival San Diego which is a 24 hour scavenger hunt/completing challenges and one of them is posting a picture in a blog!

I've forgotten how much blogging helps me let go of my negative thoughts. After my last post, the things I had been feeling anxious about got better without me even thinking about it.  With that, I wrote this post a couple weeks after Trump was elected president but I never posted it. After the events at  Charlottesville  this past weekend, I think a lot of anxieties have been brought up again so I thought it was a relevant post.  ------------------------------------------ Like many others, the election last week triggered a strong emotional response in me ranging from disbelief to anger to heartache and depression.  I worry about what a Trump presidency means for scientific progress and my career.  I worry about what it means for civil and women's rights.  I worry about what it means for international relations and if we're on the brink of a nuclear world war (or a civil one).  But despite all that.... I still have fait...

In one more month, it'll have been two years since I started this blog. I keep apologizing for not posting as frequently, so I'm not going to make any more false promises! (I think the last time I posted I said I would post at least once a month). In any case, I still like having this blog and I still think it's important that we have discussions about mental healthiness. I honestly believe that most people will go through a period of depression at one point or another in their life-time. And I think it's those rough times that will help us understand when someone else is going through something similar. I definitely notice more and more people talking about their mental issues which I think just confirms that these are things that everyone struggles with. I also think it's important that I be a part of this conversation because I'm sure people look at me and wouldn't think that I struggle with anxiety and depression. But despite that, I still thin...

I've written posts about what I call my "funks"  (depression just sounds too serious for me) before but just to summarize, these are periods of days where I have very low motivation, overthink just about everything, and generally have pretty low self-esteem... along with the physical symptoms of stress too . One way I'll know I'm in a funk is that I'll often feel like I'm on the verge of crying. I used to have them quite frequently but now not as much. But I'll still have one now and then and it'll catch me off guard. They still suck just as much  but I've learned to manage them so that at least they don't get in the way of my life. Over the past year, I've picked up a list of things I do to manage the funks: 1. The number one most helpful thing in managing my negative thoughts is my planner.  It helps me remember and organize the million-and-one things I need to do so I don't feel so overwhelmed. It also helps me stay focused...

I know I'm posting a lot less than I used to and for the most part I'm doing a lot better.  Except when I'm not.  And when I'm not, the most I can do is just cope with it and wait until the funk passes.  Which.... can.... feel..... like.... it..... takes..... forever.....  During the funk, I have to make lists of exactly what I'm going to do and what time (including easy things like going grocery shopping). Then I just commit (in other words, not overthink) to getting one thing done at a time. And it really helps because just like downward spirals, I sometimes have upward spirals.  I'll get one thing done and feel accomplished and move on to the next, and eventually I'll not feel like in a funk anymore.  BUT... sometimes that one thing can still be too much because something didn't go the way I planned and I know it's not a big deal but whyyyy and I just get overwhelmed and feel even worse.... So I just have to accept that ...

I still feel guilt over this blog My life is pretty good, how is it that I can still be miserable sometimes Or who am I to think I know any better about how to live life I just want to say that I get it And that depression is the evil twin that knows exactly where your weaknesses are and what to say to inflict the most pain Because it isn't the real you That the more your evil twin isolates you, the more he/she can make you believe their lies That there's nothing harder than fighting your own self Forget war enemies, this enemy is so powerful, it can convince you that you're better off ending your own life ..... I was in a bad mood for almost two weeks after the election All I want to say about it is I think it's healthy to feel things. And that everyone has different ways of dealing with it and doing what they think is best. This is part of being human. ..... I still think about this blog every day I just don't have this NEED to post any...

I haven't given up on this blog! So I wanted to share this sermon series about emotional health. I think this series is really great and thought-provoking whether you are Christian or not.  http://www.gospellifemissionchurch.com/the-emotionally-healthy-christian I do want to point out though that I don't necessarily identify myself as Christian. I don't take the Bible literally but I believe in the metaphors because I don't think the details are really that important. I do try to go to church whenever I have time and I'll listen to the sermons online.  For those of you who aren't Christian and might have a hard time listening to something you don't necessarily believe in, here's a few pointers in the way I look at the messages: I believe that God is an accumulation of ALL things in the universe. I see God not as "someone in charge" but more like the natural forces/physics laws in which the way things happen (like in evolution)....